Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Comedy Inn

If you’ve ever perused a dating site for, like, curiosity or whatever, you’ll notice that a lot of people list “I like to laugh” as an integral part of their biography. That’s fucking stupid, because everyone likes to laugh.

If you like to laugh, then the Comedy Inn is just for you! The name is a bit of a misnomer since it seems as if it’s some sort of fancy standalone place and not just the name of a specific night at the Quality Inn over in that part of town where if your friend lived there he’d be considered your “buddy from out of town.” It’s like a mile south of The Falls, where is that? The address lists it as Miami, but who the fuck are they fooling, Miami’s city limits ended like 30 Starbucks ago.

Full disclosure: I only checked this place out because I’ve got this comedian (comedienne is such an unhomosexually gay word) friend who I’ve never actually watched comedianize. I felt bad because she had invited me over to a few shows and I never made it out. Some were due to previous engagements, others were because I preferred staying home and playing Civilization V, and one was because I had a Desperate Housewives marathon by choice. I make no apologies, Bree is a fiery redheaded cunt and I like watching my stories.

So anyway, the Comedy Inn appears about once per month at the Quality Inn. Quality Inn, where the description is in the name! They’re an inn.

Quality Inn, where the description is in the name! They’re an inn.

My friend told me to be there at 8 PM and she stressed it. I show up at 8 PM like a good fucking person and the ticketing lady tells me I’m a bit early, that the show starts at 9:30. I understand, it’s Miami (allegedly), so you tell people a certain time knowing they’ll show up later, but the margin on that should only be like 30 minutes tops. An hour-and-a-half is excessive. So, fine, I figured I’d find something to do, but first I needed to take a righteous piss. When I went to the restroom, I noticed a big brown smear on my ass. It HAD to be brown, right? I’m vain as fuck so I panicked momentarily, took my pants off, and tried washing it off in the sink with that shitty hotel hand soap. No dice. Now I’m standing there unpantsed™ holding up a wet pair of jeans with a shit-looking stain on the ass. I remembered “dude, it’s Black Friday and I’m a cunt hair away from a mall.” I put my soggy pants on and waddle to my car trying to hide the stain, but instead I look like I’ve just been assfucked by Senator Larry Craig in the men’s room.

At the mall, I go to the Gap to buy a new pair. One of the girls there helped me pick a pair, then another one listened to me tell knock knock jokes in a Punjabi accent for a few minutes while they looked in the back for my size. I ended up leaving with a pretty nice pair of corduroys. On my way out I’m thinking, “I’ve got some time to kill, let me check out some sales.” I go to Express and Banana Republic, then look at my phone and notice it’s 9:29. I get to the Quality Inn, where they put the inn in quality, and I was 7 minutes late. Seven fucking minutes late when I got there a full hour-and-a-half earlier. She made sure to point that shit out on stage too, because she’s a goddamn opportunist. My tardiness meant I had no place to sit so I’m lined up against a wall like a Bolshevik.

…I look like I’ve just been assfucked by Senator Larry Craig in the men’s room.

The room itself is small and intimate. The layout looks like you’re at a medical conference or the Catalina Wine Mixer. $20 (I just found out it’s $30) gets you in and there’s an open bar waiting for you. “Bar” is misleading since it’s stocked like an impromptu high school house party, but booze is booze. I only stayed for 5 of the comedians since I had to be not there on a Friday night, so I’m not sure how many there were in total, but I can tell you what I saw was quality. My friend went up first and I planned on leaving immediately after her, but then she said some black guy was going next, and all black people are hilarious, so I decided to stay.

After the black guy came some Asian dude who probably only does comedy because the agreement with his parents stipulated they’ll only pay med school tuition and he’s in charge of books. He had the deadpan one-liner delivery sort of jokes, and he fucking nailed it. Self-deprecating Asian jokes are great, especially when there’s a delicious dog involved. Ban Ki Moon, or whatever the fuck his name is, was hilarious. Then came a fat white guy, also funny. I left near the end of some Palestinian dude dressed like he just lost a few grand at a Jai-Alai game. The guy was in his 50s, I would guess, and had this “I’m definitely on the no-fly list” look to him. I was digging that shit. Hard to tell if his jokes were all that funny or if it was just the juxtaposition of his wardrobe, accent, and the gin I’ve been drinking which were doing the trick.

Overall, the funny factor was there. I wish I could be a comedian, that all seems like a lot of fun and those people had talent. Considering what you pay to get into the Improv, plus the 2 drink minimum, Comedy Inn is a much better deal when it’s around. Even if it’s in the New Jersey of South Florida.

Bring spare jeans. You never know.


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