Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Restaurante Monserrate

Colombians know how to do three things: titties, cocaine, and food. Notice how I didn’t put soccer in there? Yeah, I went there, motherfuckers.

The three-thing-rule goes for every country, but Latin American countries mostly have food as one of them so it limits our varieties. For example, Mexico does food, immigrants, and corruption really well. Cuba does food, immigrants, and corruption really well too. I’m getting off track here which I never do.

Colombians know how to do three things: titties, cocaine, and food.

Restaurante Monserrate is located on Coral Way right next to that Lebanese church. Fun fact, around 39% of Lebanon’s population is actually Christian, not Muslim, which makes that the second stupidest thing they’ve done since letting Hezbollah do anything ever. Having a Lebanese church next to a Colombian restaurant reminds me of Shakira. You know, because I don’t like it. Fine, that’s not true, I just wanted to use the joke. It was my best friend’s idea to check it out. I was playing third wheel which I often do because he’s never not in a relationship, but at the same time he only puts in about 50% effort so he gets a lot of time to hang.

When you walk in, there’s a very distinct smell that hits you in the face immediately. I liken it to a men’s urinal with a fresh urinal cake. It’s a bit musky, and I’m not sure if that’s just the general Colombian old people smell or if there really is a urinal cake situation going on. It doesn’t linger though, you’ll get over it after about a minute so it’s not like you’ll be eating and tasting flower-scented piss with every bite.

Let me skip through all the bullshit for a second to tell you about sancocho. Sancocho is a bowl of amazing.

What is a bowl of amazing?

Basically this. In a bowl. I would eat it.

It’s a thick, tropical soup consisting of corn, chicken, yucca, potato, things, and nectar of the gods all served with a side of rice. My mother knows how to cook like three things well, and this is one of them. I love my mom, but if someone told her they’ll kill one of her kids if she doesn’t make a gourmet meal, I’d be missing a sister after my mom finishes looking up the word “gourmet” in the dictionary. You’re wondering how I know it would be one of my sisters who would be murdered and not me. That’s because they’re the kind of girls who would unknowingly associate themselves with some shifty motherfucker with the sort of mental problems that lead someone to threaten homicide unless a meal is provided.

I liken it to a men’s urinal with a fresh urinal cake.

Monserrate offers pretty cheap meals. I believe my stomach ruptured and I only spent like $15 to drink a beer, eat a dessert, my entrée, and my friend’s fiancée’s meal. She eats like she’s had a gastric bypass, but it could be because she’s tiny and measures her weight in single-digit ounces.

Once you get past the musky scent, Monserrat is a pretty good choice. Try going for lunch, because this place closes at 9 PM, which is like a senior citizen’s midnight.

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4 Comments to Restaurante Monserrate

  1. Try the Monserrate in Doral. The scent is better, but the tables are so close together the patrons may indulge you to a golden shower.

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  3. Don

    stupid review…..

  4. sandra

    I’ll definitely have to visit the restaurant due to your rave review. Next Colombian soup you should try is ajiaco.

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