Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Panera Bread

There are four guarantees in life: Death, taxes, Jeremy Piven having a hair transplant, and Panera Bread being so amazing it’ll make you ignore the lie that is Jeremy Piven’s increasing hairline. For fuck’s sake he played a character playing George Costanza on Seinfeld! What, he thought we would just “forget” about that?

Panera is one of those places you can never go wrong with. If you’re with a group of friends and you’re trying to decide on a place to grab a bite to eat, no one in the history of ever has said “how about Panera?” and been met with anything but fanfare, agreement, and maybe on occasion a little blow job here and there. You know, just a little no-committment, old-fashioned meatsicle taste test in a Panera restroom. Damn, I miss college.

So I’m at Miracle Mile walking by bridal stores to see if I can spot a bride-to-be’s perpetually single best friend feigning joy when I see it. A Panera Bread. But how could this be? When was this location added? It’s a pastry miracle! Miracle Mile and the immediate area surrounding it is world-renowned for its resume of places Orlando wants to inhale food at. There’s a Boston Market with its sweet potato casserole so good I’d dislocate my jaw just to fit more of it in one bite. Then there’s Spris, containing pizza so delicious I’d give up Boston Market’s sweet potatoes for a month just to watch someone else eat a slice. I’ll stop here or else I’ll have to start masturbating my tongue, but you get the idea.

I’ll stop here or else I’ll have to start masturbating my tongue, but you get the idea.

Nothing much can really be said about an individual Panera Bread location that doesn’t apply to all of them. Panera, like Chick-fil-A, seem to be immune to Miami’s “hey, let’s treat everyone like shit and call it a day” paradigm so one location isn’t especially better than the other unless maybe there’s one with an inordinate amount of Scandinavian bombshells with a lust for foul-mouthed writers and artisan bread residing around it. Ah yes, that just gave me a dream idea for tonight. Looks like daddy’s gonna be dreaming about artisan bread.

Their bagels are good, not New York good, but good. People say what makes the NY bagels taste so great is the water they use. Namely, New York water. I think it’s a little more complicated than that. I think there’s a secret Jewish superteam which goes around the city citing incantations on every batch of bagel dough in the three boroughs. It certainly makes a lot more sense than “it’s the water.” The Jewish superteam, or the “Jewperteam”, doesn’t enchant chain restaurants which is why Panera’s has to build theirs the old-fashioned way without any sorcery. They’ve got this cinnamon crunch bagel which treads very heavily on doughnut territory. I have to think doughnuts aren’t very happy about that. It’s like, where do you draw the line? How do you define a bagel and a doughnut when you’ve got a bagel tranny passing itself off as a sweet, delicious doughnut? The pastry civil rights movement is on the cusp of beginning.

Enough about that. Panera Bread is awesome.

So where the hell is it?
  • 137 Miracle Mile
  • Coral Gables, FL 33134
  • (305) 448-0478
  • Panera Bread on Urbanspoon
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3 Comments to Panera Bread

  1. This place is awesome. My future first-born’s name shall be Panera.

    • No it won’t.

  2. Ed

    i have loved Panera since before they got to Miami. I enjoyed it in 2006 for the first time at the location across the street from The Falls. They had free WiFi before any other these Starbucks, McDonald’s and Burger King (which never seems to work).

    Oh yeah, the food, coffee and tea are all top shelf.

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