Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Arkadia

I had been to Arkadia for the first time early this year, but it wasn’t for very long and my state of mind was compromised (read: drunk.) When I went again this past weekend, the first thought that came through my mind when I started making my way downstairs was, “21+ my fucking ass!”

When I went again this past weekend, the first thought that came through my mind when I started making my way downstairs was, “21+ my fucking ass!”

I’m not really big on the South Beach brand of nightclubs, I’ve mentioned that before many times. “Obnoxious” is the prevailing adjective. Two reasons keep drawing me back. The first is usually a friend or visiting friend/relative wants to get blasted in a club, or the second is I’m already on the island and want to hit on some ridiculous eye candy. And that’s really what it is, ridiculous eye candy. Helped by the alcohol and the sensory overload of a nightclub, the women at nightclubs are transformed from a sixth year psychology student to a sixth year psychology student with an ass that can be approved for a fixed-rate, low-APR mortgage. I love it.

So I’m going downstairs, which is where this club is located as if it were LIV’s retarded little brother, like Jeb to George, and I spot a couple of cuties making their way up since it’s probably past their bedtime. There is no way those girls were over 18. One of them left a “back to school sale” sticker on the bottom of her dress. Damn, I felt a little creepy writing that joke. The point is they were young, which is a stark difference from the more upscale LIV. When I was at LIV the women looked like women, but at Arkadia I’d say about a good 30% of the girls there still had their phone plans under their parents’ names. Don’t get me wrong, at 27 my penis was still reacting very favorably, but I’m more into women with careers and debt.

Don’t get me wrong, at 27 my penis was still reacting very favorably, but I’m more into women with careers and debt.

The occasion was my cousin visiting from LA. He came over with his crew, and that night half of them went to Cameo while he and two of his other friends decided upon Arkadia. By the time I arrived they were beyond shitfaced. They were on bottle number three and my cousin was grinding up on this blond girl whose name escapes me. There were about eight girls at that table, and I only remember two names. Courtney I remember because she introduced herself numerous times, either because she was super drunk or she thought I was a mirror and was practicing her introduction. Tenise I remember because her name was fucking Tenise. I’m not even sure if that’s how you spell it, I just remember immediately after she told me “I’M TENISE” I said, “CAPTAIN AND TENNILLE?”, and she goes “WHAT?”, so I say “NEVER MIND”, and she counters with, “WHAT?”, and I finish with “NEVER MIND!“. That’s how conversations work at clubs.

The club itself felt a lot darker than usual clubs, though I give them huge props on the fact that I saw a lot of people smoking, yet I never really smelled smoke. That’s something other clubs can learn from. Whatever sorcery they’re employing, it’s working. The music was fine if you’re into that house shit, though our table was right next to some speakers. The layout itself is chic, if you can see it.

…I give them huge props on the fact that I saw a lot of people smoking, yet I never really smelled smoke.

Near the end of the night, the white guy in the group decided we needed another bottle. I told him it was a stupid idea since the club closed in 30 minutes. He said he didn’t care and ordered another one anyway. Shortly after receiving the bottle, I see the girl of my dreams (for that night). We talked a little, but at that point I was pretty far gone. I don’t even remember her name. I have a photo with her which I would post on the off chance that someone knows her and lets me know so I can stalk to her. But I don’t know, that’s a little much. When the club began its closing ceremonies (lights on, music off, dude with whistle and broom shooing people out) the bottle still had 1/3 of its liquor and obviously we weren’t allowed to just walk out with it. Based on the cost of a bottle there, we just lost like $175. I told him it was a bad idea.

Anyway, Arkadia is a typical South Beach club experience. Obviously there are ranks, such as any place that allowed the Jersey Shore cast to fist pump being on the bottom. But Arkadia is in a pretty decent position. I wouldn’t be averse to returning.


So where the hell is it?
  • 4441 Collins Ave
  • Fontainebleau Hotel
  • Miami Beach, FL 33140
  • (305) 674-4680
  • arkadiamiami.com
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