Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Wynwood Kitchen & Bar

Wynwood Kitchen and Bar should be renamed Wynwood Kitsch Bar. I’m just fucking around, it’s not that bad. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s not great, but it’s not evil. Let’s just say I wouldn’t choose to go there if the decision were left to me.

Wynwood Kitchen and Bar should be renamed Wynwood Kitsch Bar.

I’ve been there a couple of times, and the last few times I’ve relegated myself to just drinks. On one occasion my friends gave me shit because I snapped at some girl. Not like how some bitch from Jersey snaps when you ask her if she can cool it with the spray tan, I meant literally snapping my fingers. It went like this: So my friends and I show up here during Art Walk and when some tummies began rumbling like Sendai in March, they wanted some food. We ask the hostess for seating and she says it’ll be about an hour. I batted my eyelashes and, obviously she changed that time for us.

“An hour and a half,” she said. I kid, she actually told me she’ll see what she could do, then came and told me she can seat us right now if we don’t mind the shitty table near the restroom. We take our seats and about 45 minutes in I see a girl I know waiting in line. Her name escaped me for that brief moment so, whatever, I snapped my fingers to get her attention. It was a mix of a “look hyuh, bitch” and a “tip of my tongue, tip of my tongue, I almost have it” kind of snap. It came out looking like the kind of snaps the Temptations did on stage. After I get through the typical small talk with her and she continues forth on her quest to remain in the queue for her chance to empty her bladder, the rest of my table looked at me like I just hid a chopped up hooker’s body in a series of E-Z Bake Ovens. They’re all “why did you snap at her? What’s wrong with you?” I’m stubborn as fuck so I defended myself. I believe I used the, “I don’t give a shit what you think, it happened, deal with it” defense employed by guests on Maury Povich.

It came out looking like the kind of snaps the Temptations did on stage.

With that said, they have a couple of decent microbrew beers at surprisingly reasonable prices. You would think a place frequented by attractive people would up their prices, but nope. Oh, were you not aware of that correlation? The more attractive the patrons, the higher the prices. Walk into Zuma and count the number of ugly people. Then walk into a Taco Bell and count the number of ugly people. You may need to use some of the ugly people’s fingers to keep count, luckily some of those mutants have more than 10 digits which makes your job a little easier.

The food ain’t special. I liken it to Gigi, except I like Wynwood’s better because they don’t give you the portions of a Vietnamese sweatshop worker. Well, it depends what you order, but generally speaking Wynwood’s largest plate makes Gigi’s largest plate look like Shaq eating a Cornish hen with a toothpick. On occasion they have some live jazz playing, and that’s pretty cool.

If you happen to be in the area, go for it. If you have to drive more than 5 miles to get there, don’t bother. Let me suggest Sugarcane, a place I’ve yet to get around to documenting my experience at.

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