So I’ve got this entry in the New Times titled Which Neighborhood Would Survive the Post-Apocalypse Miami War? It did well and people responded favorably to it. In fact, it did so well my wonderful editor decided to make a series out of it where it gets expanded upon. In my first new entry in the series, I submitted something racially charged, because it’s what I do. It was gutted to pieces.
I’m not going to let it go to waste though, so I’ve decided it wouldn’t be a violation if I published it here provided I don’t post a single thing that will be appearing on the New Times. With that said, it’s possible the flow may seem weird. Think of this like extra features on a DVD.
Plus I didn’t feel like writing for today.
Since this is a racially-fueled thesis it’s only natural we dumb shit down to archaic perceptions of race. Let’s do it like the 1988 South Africans, because if anyone knows how to fuck around with races it’s the people whose word for it we adopted into English. South Africans are the NY Yankees of prejudice. Sure, Americans sportingly lynched black people for little things like wanting equal rights or being born not white, but it was like 90% of the population versus 10%. With the Afrikaaners it was the other way around. Can you imagine being a white guy walking into a room with nine black guys and saying, “listen here, boys, we’re gonna do things my way”? Maybe if you’re Pat Riley, otherwise you’ll be eating intravenously for the next three months. The South Africans, on the other hand, perfected that shit. They were playing baseball while we were playing tee ball.
Albeit an extremely racist version of tee ball.
The four races they considered, in order of their supremacy, were: White, Asian, coloured, and black. Before the NAACP (an organization that, ironically, has the word “colored” in their initialism) starts drafting up a letter and I have to formulate an apology before joining Don Imus and Michael Richards on the “I should’ve been dating a black chick at the time” tour, let’s just change the term “coloured” to “brown.”
That’s it. Those are the four. “But wait a second, what if you’re mixed with white and black?” Black. “What if you’re mixed with white and brown?” Brown. “What if you’re mixed with white and Asian?” Asian. Look, this is the cardinal rule of sticking someone in a bullshit racial category:
If mixed, the race lower in the pecking order between the mix is the person’s race.
Consequently, a white person mixed with anything other than white can never be white. Americans called this the “one-drop rule.” It implies that white genes aren’t strong enough to beat out the other races, yet somehow whites are the best. White supremacy logic is hilarious. The brown race is nuts, because it includes Arabs, Indians, Pacific Islanders, native Americans, and anyone that isn’t black, white, or Asian. Science be damned.
But what about ethnic groups and nationalities?
You make a very valid point, author of this article pretending to take a question from a reader in order to further the narrative! You may wonder why Hispanic wasn’t included, and that’s because Hispanics can fall into any of the above races. What do Alberto Fujimori, David “Big Papi” Ortiz, Salma Hayek, and some random sexy blonde chick in a shitty Mexican novela about a lower class girl falling in love with an upper class man that’s engaged to a conniving bitch that tries to have the lower class girl killed have in common? They represent each of the four races and they’re also Hispanic. This is pretty much just determined by what geographical location your parents decided to hatch you nine months after they had sex, though ethnicity has more to do with adopting of culture and language than just birth citizenship. Yes, your parents had dirty, raunchy, sweaty sex to make you.
What do you think happens next? (Hint: Insertion)