Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

SuViche

Considering I’ve never actually been here, this is an extremely unfair review. Luckily, I don’t give a shit, because it was their choice to open a restaurant where they hellishly mix together sushi and ceviche.

…Skittles and diarrhea, sorority girls and menopause, or sushi and ceviche.

If you were to ask me, “hey Orlando, what are two things you shouldn’t mix together?” My response would be, “either Skittles and diarrhea, sorority girls and menopause, or sushi and ceviche.” SuViche managed to “successfully” merge at least one of those sets. I’m appalled.

Since WWII, the Americans have kept the Japanese in check from amassing a large military. They did some fucked up shit in WWII, the Japanese, so it makes perfect sense to make sure those crafty buggers don’t start building hardware which they’d use to subjugate the Chinese and Koreans. However, the Japanese are resourceful as hell. They knew the Yanks were maintaining sanctions and keeping a close watch on their military, only allowing them a small “defense force.” So what did they do? They started exporting sushi. Sushi is a slow killer made from cold (or raw in the case of sashimi) fish and sorcery designed to numb the minds of its eaters. Think about it for a second, right after WWII the US emerged as a superpower, watched the collapse of the British Empire, followed it up with a dick-measuring contest against the Russians, put a man on the Moon, and gave us Hall & Oates.

What does sushi look like?

Like a Play-Doh play set.

Then in the ’80s thanks to Wall Street frat boys, sushi really began to take off. And what happened? The market crashed, Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice showed up, and Joel Schumacher started directing nipple Batman. We’ve had a bunch of wars and little innovation outside the field of tools to kill brown people. It’s that damn sushi.

It’s peasant food created by people who had no grasp on fire technology.

Ceviche reached the US at around the same time in the ’80s. It’s peasant food created by people who had no grasp of fire technology. Fun fact, lobster was once regarded as low-class peasant fare until some enterprising fucker started marketing it to the wealthy, now the same exact animal that was once considered dirty is one of the most expensive items you can find in any menu. A giant sea cockroach, really. I mean, it’s good, but it’s not THAT good. Hell, Doritos are better. So ceviche, it’s pretty much just raw fish with lime and spices, and it’s drizzled with the perspiration of an 18th century hobo. I understand poor Peruvians eating it somewhere in the Andes, but douchey Americans eat it as a way to seem worldly, because it’s not delicious. It’s just not. Sorry.

What does ceviche look like?

Like mashed placenta. Gross.

SuViche takes them both, and probably throws in human trafficking just to be even more evil, and packages it all for you out of a tiny storefront in the annals of Brickell. Those bastards.

Yuck.


So where the hell is it?
  • 49 SW 11th St
  • Miami, FL 33130
  • (305) 960-7097
  • suviche.com
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6 Comments to SuViche

  1. “It’s peasant food created by people who had no grasp of fire technology.” <3 it

  2. heygirlhey

    you actually did this review! hahahaha

  3. This is for the un-commentable Mediocre Talent post – Don’t forget Heidi Montag, every single “real” housewife and all the girls next door. I might actually hate celebs and mind-numbing pop culture more than you: http://mirandomology.wordpress.com/2011/03/21/pop-culture-is-making-people-dumber-rant/

  4. chris

    haters

  5. Caro

    This place is GREAT! You should reconsider trying it. :)

  6. Adam

    Please unconnect this review from UrbanSpoon. Unless you have eaten there and actually dislike it, please take this down.

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