Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Piola

Piola kinda sounds like “pee hole.” But with that “A” at the end it’s kinda like how an annoying middle school kid would say it. Back in middle school those kids would end everything with an “A” that sounded like “uh”. Stop became “stooooop-uh.” Man I hate douchie kids.

You can get the whole damn food pyramid in an aptly-shaped triangle.

Pizza is the ambrosia of the gods. You can get the whole damn food pyramid in an aptly-shaped triangle. If you’re on a budget, you can forgo gourmet pizzas and Little Caesar the fuck out of your hunger. The best and manliest combination of things is hot pizza with a cold beer. That’s a meal with some chest hair. Baseball players shouldn’t be allowed to eat pizza and drink beer because its manliness factor is considered a performance enhancer. The Ancient Greeks used to make a primitive pizza dish, and then they would have sex with men. I know that sounds gay and all, but it’s pretty manly. Think about it, gay guys fuck other guys. They’re not like, “oh, women are so delicate, I want to make love to a soft woman,” they’re going, “I wanna fuck a dude.” If you see a guy in a ring boxing against a woman and just relentlessly beating the shit out of her you’d be like “I don’t like this, he’s not a man, he’s a coward.” But if you see a guy in a ring boxing against another man, it’s $90 on PPV and manly as fuck.

Piola pizza is fine. It’s no Spris, but it gets the job done. Whenever I eat pizza I usually order the margherita, because it’s the best pizza ever. First, it’s got the colors of the Italian flag; red tomatoes, white cheese, green basil. That in itself is brilliant. There are certain countries where I can’t really think of a delicious, nutritious meal that utilizes all its colors. Take the American flag, for example. Red? Sure. White? OK. Blue? BZZZZZZ. Unless it’s a Fruit Roll-up or one of those tri-color Popsicles nothing else exists. All those African countries with like 30 colors are fucked, because they don’t have food to begin with.

All those African countries with like 30 colors are fucked, because they don’t have food to begin with.

The pizzas at Piola are pretty large and thin. On their menu they seem to have a lot of different varieties. They’ll put the abomination that is goat cheese on your pizza if you want it. They’ll throw various types of meat to ruin the texture of your slice. I didn’t check, but I’m willing to bet you can get pineapple on it. Pineapple. What the fuck is wrong with people? Pineapples either belong standalone, in an alcoholic beverage, or in a bowl on the head of some stereotypical Cuban bitch wearing flamboyant clothing. On pizza it’s just disrespectful.

What does Hawaiian pizza look like?

Just like a glove slap.

In the immediate area, Piola is one of the better pizza joints around. There’s Archie’s which isn’t as good, but then if you go a few blocks south (2 blocks, I promise) you’ll get to Pieducks. Pieducks is more fast food-like, but it’s better pizza. Plus they’ll draw you shit on your pizza box if you get it to go.


So where the hell is it?
  • 1250 South Miami Avenue
  • Miami, FL 33130
  • (305) 374-0031
  • piola.it
  • Piola on Urbanspoon
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