Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Miss Yip Chinese Cafe

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Asians are supposed to be the pinnacle of efficiency and honor. Boy are they going to be fucking pissed off when they find out about this place. Some manager is about to just disappear.

I’ve heard people jizz themselves when talking about the Miss Yip in South Beach before. Once I found out they opened up a new one in downtown it was only a matter of time before I headed over there. I like Chinese food, and I can tolerate about 900 million Chinese people (the rest can go fuck themselves), so I knew I had to check this place out since it’s pretty much in my neighborhood.

I like Chinese food, and I can tolerate about 900 million Chinese people…

First off, it’s in a great location. 900 Biscayne is a classy fucking building with a front row view to have watched fake-ass Heat fans leave game 6 early with bitter tears in their eyes. God damn it we have the worst fans in the world. Oklahoma’s team had several thousand people wait for them at the airport to cheer them on after they had lost their conference finals, but our fans couldn’t even finish watching an NBA Finals game they paid $500 for. We don’t deserve the Big Three, we deserve Brian Scalabrine, 2011 playoffs Pau Gasol, and a WNBA player in drag.

For those of us not aware, what’s wrong with Heat fans?

Typical Heat fan.

All right, you know what, let’s cut the foreplay and get right down to the meat of this review where I shred them because I fucking hate this place.

China should be ashamed of themselves. They should’ve had some spies come over and flog each and every person associated with this restaurant. I’ve been sexually molested with more attentiveness and regard for my well-being than the help at this shit hole. Do you know what it’s like to wait an hour and fifteen minutes for white rice and some radioactive-looking chicken? No, of course you don’t, because you weren’t waiting for food at an Indian homeless shelter in Mumbai. See, I was paying a lot of money for this shitty food, because I’m stupid enough to assume that high price equals high quality of food and service. That’s usually how it is. If you buy a Tag Heuer watch it doesn’t give you hives. If you buy a Mercedes it doesn’t summon Hitler’s ghost to just come up behind you and ruffle your hair right before a big meeting. So why is it that if you spend a lot of money for lunch at Miss Yip you have to wait around like you’re in a Soviet bread line for these assholes to decide to get to work?

I’ve shat at gas station restrooms in Allapattah which I would rate with more stars than that.

And I’m not the only one. In my fervor I went to Yelp to check out its ratings and noticed it has an average of two stars. TWO STARS. I’ve shat at gas station restrooms in Allapattah which I would rate with more stars than that. Andy Dick’s breath is probably higher than two stars. Heat fans are higher than two stars. Everyone, as expected, was bitching about the shitty service.

I waited 15 minutes for a drink. FOR A DRINK. Look, I know what I sound like on this blog. I know you’re thinking, “but Orlando, you’re an asshole, so after seven seconds of waiting you probably pulled out your dick and peed all over everyone which is why they took so long to service you.” First, I’m flattered. Second, no, I treat people in the service industry with respect. I didn’t get sarcastic, demanding, pushy, or passive-aggressive like 90% of people would. After the hour of waiting, I did ask my waiter how much longer it will be, but that’s a fucking hour, and it still took a bit more time.

Hitler’s ghost is a little busy making menorahs and dreidels in hell…

Now here’s the kicker. When I got my food, it was somewhat cold. I can think of three reasons why my food would be cold: They didn’t cook it, they let it sit out there for a while instead of bringing it to me, or Hitler’s ghost went up to it and blew on it for a few minutes. Hitler’s ghost is a little busy making menorahs and dreidels in hell and the food looked relatively cooked, so it means my waiter is an asshole. I can’t even describe the taste of the food since my head was too busy with thoughts of how I could possibly burn the place down and only get employees killed.

With that said, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I want to objectively taste their food. I hear they have take-out, so I’ll try that. But so help me if they take longer than I’m satisfied with I’m writing my congressman a letter.

Don’t go there.

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6 Comments to Miss Yip Chinese Cafe

  1. Ankit

    Don’t bother with the take out. I’ve had better chinese food from a dumpster…and it wasn’t even chinese food when they threw it out. I feel like Miss Yip should be the next name for some new dick melting STD they discover.

    • Duly noted, no takeout then.

      Also, “Miss Yip” is an anagram for “I’m pissy”.

  2. Dana D

    Miss Yip couldn’t even make egg drop soup right.

  3. LuvULongTime

    I heard it was different management at the South Beach location before they closed up. There’s a New Times article or two on the mater.

  4. schmita

    Ms Yips sucks so bad! LOL
    Their stuff is frozen btw which is why it was cold.
    Even I can make a dumpling.

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