Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Made-up Biographies: Penelope Cruz

Penelope Cruz was born Pepe Cruz, a healthy baby boy, in La Habana, Cuba on April 28, 1974. At a young age, he identified with women more than men and the neighborhood boys gave him the nickname “Penelope.” Luckily for Pepe, this teasing wouldn’t last too long since all those little assholes eventually left Cuba for Miami on the Mariel boatlift. Interesting tidbit about all the little motherfuckers that left on the Mariel, they went on to turn Miami in the culture-less bustling city of corruption and economic disparity it is today.

…they [Mariel refugees] went on to turn Miami in the the culture-less bustling city of corruption and economic disparity it is today.

Pepe’s teen years were difficult for him. He began experimenting with socially taboo subjects like cross-dressing, ambiguous sexuality, and acting. After a series of failed auditions for Fidel Castro’s Teatro Espectacularrrr de Comunismo, he began to have doubts about his prowess as a thespian. That is, until he was discovered by a washed-up agent who at his heyday managed various acts for Fidel Castro’s Teatro Espectacularrrr de Comunismo, including Los Come Mierdas, Asere, Que Clase de Satelite, and of course Celia Cruz. The man was Lázaro Martinez. Ecstatic, Pepe immediately signed with Lázaro.

Lázaro’s first order of business was changing Pepe’s image. Since Pepe was too effeminate to be taken seriously as a leading man, Lázaro suggested he get sexual reassignment surgery. Pepe was on board considering he had always felt more like a lady than a man. At the plastic surgeon’s office, Pepe simply told the surgeon, “hey, all I want is for you to compress my face and make me kind of ugly, but at the same time hot. Men everywhere will say things like ‘I don’t know, she’s kind of ugly, but I’d hit it.'” The surgery was a wild success, if you count sort of looking like a sexy chihuahua you’d have sex with a success. He was henceforth known as Penelope.

How did she turn out?

Not too bad. Those look like nipple tassels.

At this point we should skip forward in the story since nothing interesting enough to be explained in detail happened; Lázaro got shot in the face by a Russian soldier that was a part of a secret Soviet super-soldier experiment and Penelope survived a shark attack while assassinating the Russian solder that murdered Lázaro. Boring shit, we don’t need to get into that.

Now in the United States, Penelope distanced herself from her past. The first thing she did was claim to be a Spaniard, something every Cuban does when in the mood to be considered white. Second, she downplayed her talent and played up her accent, an important step for any Hispanic wanting to break into Hollywood. And third, she positively worked her ass off to land a role with Matthew McConaughey. Everyone knows that McConaughey makes careers happen.

The first thing she did was claim to be a Spaniard…

She acted in various films in Spain that I will conveniently ignore since they don’t line up with the narrative I’ve created for her here, so let’s say her first feature film was, I don’t know, we’ll go with Blow. The character came easily to her, because Hispanic people are drugged up gold-diggers to begin with. In it, she played a Colombian wife (assuming Colombian by the way she inhaled that coke like it was made of oxygen) with a hard-on for betrayal. Johnny Depp played a fucking moron that fell for her betrayal. Pee Wee Herman was in it.

Can we see a more chihuahua-esque Penelope?

There it is.

Following the success of Blow she co-starred in Vanilla Sky alongside Tom Cruise. She described her experience working with Tom Cruise as, “I thought he was a scientist, but then I was later told Scientologist didn’t mean what I thought it meant. Also his breath stinks.” The film was a remake of a Spanish film titled Abre los ojos which Penelope most definitely wasn’t in. It’s about this narcissistic dude with money that gets into a car accident because some crazy bitch he fucked and didn’t call back wanted to dabble in murder-suicide with him in the car. He survived but his face was jacked up. He didn’t enjoy looking like Maggie Gyllenhaal, so he took part in this project that would cryogenically freeze him until the technology to surgically improve his face to how it was before the accident was available. Lots of cool shit happens throughout, but the original is better.

After those, she had a string of shitty movies until the day came.

Sahara.

Her shot to work with the famed Matthew McConaughey had arrived. She acted the fuck out of that movie, and Sahara was universally loved by critics and broke all sorts of box-office records. President Bush honored McConaughey and awarded him the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest civilian honor. Chuck Norris began writing “McConaughey is so badass” jokes. McConaughey boosted Penelope Cruz’s career so mightily she couldn’t handle it, so in order to fix it she once more began making a bunch of shitty movies like Bandidas. Only seldom would she amplify her true acting skills to act in gems such as Volvér and Vicky Christina Barcelona.

And that’s it.

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2 Comments to Made-up Biographies: Penelope Cruz

  1. Dana D

    In the the culture-less

    • You wanna just become my editor or what?

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