Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Gator Park Airboat Tours

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I’m willing to bet that 90% of Miami residents have never been to the Everglades and taken an airboat ride. That’s a statistic I pulled out of my ass, and it tickled my prostate on its way out so needless to say it felt pretty good.

…all you have to do is take Tamiami Trail west until people start getting more and more white and touristy.

I had to Google the name of this place because even though I’ve been here over 8 times I could never be bothered to look at its name. I just know how to get there, because all you have to do is take Tamiami Trail west until people start getting more and more white and touristy. It’s easy not to confuse it with the plethora of other airboat tour-givers, because all the other ones suck shit and this one has more than just airboats. You pay the price, about $20, and they hook you up with an airboat ride, an alligator wrestling show, peacocks, some chickens walking around, and being able to see a cage with a bunch of depressing and sedentary alligators. That’s pretty sweet for $20. Think about some of the other things $20 will get you: A $30 overdraft charge in your Bank of America account if you’re broke, a single item from Whole Foods, or possibly half a gallon of gas. Sounds like a bargain to me.

As previously mentioned, I’ve been on my share of airboats, and every time I’ve been to Gator Park it’s been fun, especially with those that have never really been around the Everglades. Except for one time. I came with a girl that kept telling me she had never been and was “dying” to check it out (she loved using that word) so I told her we would go. What could go wrong?

THEY SHOULD HAVE BUILT THE EVERGLADES CLOSER TO COCONUT GROVE.

First, the car ride was too long for her. Half the car conversation was about how they should’ve built it closer to where she lives. THEY SHOULD HAVE BUILT THE EVERGLADES CLOSER TO COCONUT GROVE. At that point I should’ve stopped the car and just deadpanned, “get out.” If I was as much of an asshole as I seemed on this blog I would’ve done it for a good story, but I’m not a sociopath so instead I just imagined doing it and smiled to myself. When we finally got there, I wanted to take a photo of her next to an alligator. “No, why would I do that?” Fine, so she has no interest in the things she specifically asked to see. There was a peacock, I brought up the photo and I received the same reaction. There’s a chicken running around (of which I took a photo of a friend of mine next to it as she pretended to cluck… see, that’s fun) and I asked if she wanted to take a photo with it too. Again, she said no.

How did this girl make you feel?

Like Patrick Bateman.

When you pay for your entry they give you a ticket to get on the airboat and also some earplugs because the shit is loud. She asked me why they gave you those, because the very implication of being handed a pair of earplugs wasn’t enough, and I said “the engine on the airboat is pretty loud.” Her reaction? That they shouldn’t make the engines so loud. THEY SHOULDN’T MAKE THEM SO LOUD THEN. This prompted her to deem the earplugs stupid, so she threw them away. I was like, “look, those things are fucking loud, keep the earplugs.” She said she’s not putting those things in her ears. Because she doesn’t know where they’ve been.

She doesn’t know where the little orange earplugs in their factory-sealed plastic container have been.

Are you kidding me?

No. Not kidding.

We’re on the airboat and first it starts moving slowly through a little clearing with lilly pads and wildlife. Rather than checking out the stuff she came to see, she pulls out her phone and goes on Facebook. And she starts narrating the things to me, like “Michelle’s boyfriend is getting a bottle at Mokai tonight, wanna come?” First, I don’t know Michelle, so you shouldn’t talk about her like we go way back. Second, I don’t really like Mokai. Third, I’m already getting a bad feeling about this girl who pulled a complete 180 from how she was on the first couple of dates. Whatever, I say we’ll see and she continues messing with her phone until homeboy driving the boat tells everyone to put their earplugs in. She puts her phone away and gives me this “haha, like I need earplugs” face. Once the engine starts up and gets loud as shit, her face changes instantly to horror.

During the stoppage deeper into the Everglades, she complains about the sound. When we ride back to the dock, she again complains about how loud it was. I told her she should have kept her earplugs, and she has the titanium-plated ovaries to tell me I should’ve given her mine when she realized how loud it was.

And how did you feel about THAT?

Last straw.

Look, I would never hit another woman, but I’m starting to understand Ike Turner’s plight a little bit.

Look, I would never hit another woman, but I’m starting to understand Ike Turner’s plight a little bit. We watched the alligator wrestling show where I kept fantasizing about her head being in the gator’s mouth. After all that, we started driving back to her place. She was hungry, but I didn’t want to spend any more time with her so I made up some lie about having to help my little sister with something. If she weren’t so self-centered she would’ve asked what it was I had to do, then I would’ve stumbled over what to say and she could catch me in the lie, but lucky for me she cares about herself more than James Franco cares about hobbies.

I’m telling you, people without siblings are usually the same. I should use that as a litmus test in the future. “Do you have any siblings? No? Listen, I have to go.”

Oh, Gator Park. It’s awesome, you should check it out if you’ve never been on an airboat. It’s pretty sweet.


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8 Comments to Gator Park Airboat Tours

  1. s

    How come I feel like you always date retards? (I say this in the nicest way possible)

    That being said, it did take me about 18 years living in Miami to actually go on an airboat ride, and I agree, why couldn’t the Everglades be closer to Kendall? (kidding)

    • Like dates like. I’m a retard.

      But in all seriousness, the majority are great women. If it doesn’t work out it’s usually my fault.

  2. aLVARO

    Hey in the “People who would not enjoy it” you misspelled “too” . Keep dating these characters they are fun to read about!

    • Fixed, thanks. And I’ll do my best.

  3. Sounds like a date that would make good gator bait. Girls are dumb.

    • Hello, girl!

      • There are exceptions to every rule.

  4. She wouldn’t put the plugs from factory-sealed package in her ears, but she’d take yours? She must love you, man. Too bad they didn’t hand out butt plugs instead.

    This is a very funny post. Thanks.

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