Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Yuca

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If you think you can dance salsa but haven’t actually taken any formal classes, I dare you to make a trip to Yuca on a weekend night and make that claim to a sweaty girl in heels and a ridiculous booty.

I DARE YOU.

You’re going to feel like a fucking idiot, because compared to the average salsa dancer at Yuca you have absolutely no idea what you’re doing. Have you ever watched a movie, such as an Indian movie, where out of nowhere a bunch of motherfuckers break out into an impromptu dance number where everyone knows the choreography seemingly on-the-spot and you’re thinking to yourself, “yeah, that’s bullshit, how do they all know the moves?” Well, that’s Yuca. Yuca is like a Bollywood film with better music and a distinct lack of blatant copyright infringement.

Indians are serial copyright violators?

Yes.

Speaking of Indians, holy shit do they love to dance…

Speaking of Indians, holy shit do they love to dance, and holy shit are they deliciously goofy at it. Watching a white guy do the running man for 28 minutes isn’t nearly as hilarious as watching any Indian movie ever. But you know what, more power to them. They love to dance and the fact that they’re so fucking awkward at it doesn’t deter them from doing what they love. I admire that. From a distance.

Yuca is a restaurant downstairs and a salsa club/lounge upstairs. In addition to having sexy Latinas whip you in the face with their hair as they spin like a dreidel in December, they also offer salsa classes for those who lack the intricate knowledge of la rueda. La rueda is a big-ass dance circle where a guy goes from girl to girl and and leads her through the motions, a striking parallel to how Hispanic dudes are in life. I’m sure when you’re a badass and you and everyone in the circle know all the maneuvers it’s fun, but if you’re taking classes it can get a little annoying. I took classes there once and mostly everyone was good, but there was this one eastern European girl (I know she was eastern European because she was really hot, blond, and looked like a sex slave that tried to coerce James Bond into some shit for her boss) who I’m positive didn’t speak English and couldn’t figure out the most basic steps. She was a smile-nodder. One of those people that you ask a question and they either don’t hear you or understand you, so they smile and nod.

Black people have the uncanny ability to make certain words cool as shit to use…

On club nights (as opposed to instruction nights) they’ve got some ridiculous salsa bands that perform, and by ridiculous I mean awesome. Don’t you just love that about English? Words like “bad”, “nasty”, “sick”, and “ridiculous” end up having positive meaning. Black people are to blame for that. YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT, I SAID IT. Black people have the uncanny ability to make certain words cool as shit to use, then when enough white people start using them they switch things up, but the original word they switched remains for decades. It can take a while for some white people to adopt those things, which is why “funky fresh” is probably still pervasive in Kentucky.

If you want to learn to salsa to impress anyone above the Broward county line, go to Yuca.


So where the hell is it?
  • 501 Lincoln Road
  • Miami Beach, FL 33139
  • (305) 532-9822
  • yuca.com
  • Yuca on Urbanspoon
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