Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Waxy O’Connor’s

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STALKER ALERT: I live right above this bar, so it’s strange that I still haven’t written about it. Oh, I know why that is, it’s because there’s absolutely nothing special about it.

I would hit it like Chris Brown.

If I had to pick a baseline for what constitutes a middle-of-the-road bar I’d go with Waxy’s. Furthermore, if I had to pick a baseline for what constitutes a middle-of-the-road woman I’d go with Teri Hatcher. Why is she still on television? I thought she passed her prime on that Superman show she was on. She’s conventionally OK looking and not even a great actress. If you’re going to have a “meh, I guess she’s pretty” look, at least be a great actress. Kate Winslet is a good example of that. If I saw her on the street and didn’t know who she was I’d think, “she’s all right.” But knowing that she’s fantastic on the screen my reaction is now more like, “I would hit it like Chris Brown.” Her talent makes her prettier, but Hatcher’s talent isn’t good enough to add that kind of weight.

Waxy’s serves food, though I’ve never had it and thought, “this is delicious,” instead I usually find some kind of flaw with it without even looking for one. Either the mashed potatoes look microwaved, or the steak is too chewy, or the burger meat tastes like a vasectomy. Look, I’m not stupid, I know 98% of restaurants microwave half the shit on their menu because it comes prepackaged in little plastic wraps, I’m well aware of that. I’ve had friends who used to work the restaurant biz tell me some shocking stories about how just about all side dishes and many entrees get prepared. Still, if you’re going to microwave your mashed potatoes, at least make it look like it wasn’t. Take a sharpie and draw some grill lines, I don’t give a fuck. But the biggest tell-tale sign is when the outside is steaming and I get frostbite on my tongue once I touch the inside.

They also have three waitresses that are hotter than Teri Hatcher.

The drinks are its obvious highlight and I don’t really have any complaints about that. They’ve got my Guinness and Tanqueray so I’m fine. They also have three waitresses that are hotter than Teri Hatcher. Two of them are about a seven on the Heat Index whereas one of them is a solid eight. That is a plus.

But, of course, there’s a negative to balance out the attractive women. One time, during a little thing called the World Cup Finals between Spain and Netherlands, they took a good eight minutes after the game started to put it on the TVs. And once they got it, it wasn’t until half time that they were able to get sound. That’s some unacceptable shit right there. Sure, nothing actually happened during that part of the game since it ended 1-0 in double overtime, but it’s the principle of the thing!

The verdict is if you’re around the area, swing by, but don’t be retarded enough to go out of your way. That’s just nonsense.


So where the hell is it?
  • 690 SW 1st Ct
  • Miami, FL 33130
  • (786) 871-7660
  • waxys.com
  • Waxy O'Conners on Urbanspoon
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