Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Steak ‘n Shake

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There are very few reasons for anyone to venture forth into the disenchanted lands of Kendall. One is when you’re on the way to the zoo, another is a skating rink, and the last is for Steak ‘n Shake. Also if the police need you to identify a body, but that one is rare and I doubt it would happen more than once per week.

Oh sweet Jesus I love Steak ‘n Shake.

Oh sweet Jesus I love Steak ‘n Shake. It’s the kind of food that doesn’t need a nutrition chart because the food is so vibrant. By vibrant, of course, I mean the shit is bright and seems to glow. You know how in the wild there are animals which are super bright and colorful which makes them highly visible and indicates how venomous they are? Steak ‘n Shake is like the poisonous dart frog of food. It’s so bright it can be seen from space. It’s so bright it got a perfect score on its SATs. It’s so bright it’s brighter than all other bright things.

I’m not sold. How bright is Steak ‘n Shake?

Dis nigga will KILL you.

There used to be a Steak ‘n Shake in Hialeah, because the Gods deemed it necessary to fuck with me by putting one in the two places in the Miami metropolitan area that I hate going to. It got shut down a couple of years ago, possibly because corporate realized it was a stupid idea to involve themselves with Hialeah, similar to how white people used to live there and eventually came to the same realization.

This Steak ‘n Shake is conveniently located at the edge of the known world.

This Steak ‘n Shake is conveniently located at the edge of the known world. If you feel like checking out what oblivion looks like while having a tasty milkshake, this is definitely the place to do it. Speaking of milkshakes, they’ve got a shitload of them. A shitload is significantly better than a crapton. They have the traditional chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry flavors, then they go ahead and include a bunch of random bullshit like turtle, or Butterfinger, or mint. Also, they roll out seasonal stuff when the time is right. In addition to the awesomeness shakes, the highly poisonous food is phenomenal. My favorite thing is the Frisco melt. I don’t know what “Frisco” is or why it’s so good when melted, but every time I eat it a life somewhere in Africa is saved. I can only guess what’s in a Frisco melt, but based on how great it tastes, I figure it’s made of Gushers, brownies, paella, sex, and low APR financing on a new car. I haven’t had one in a while because I haven’t mustered up the will/courage to drive to Kendall, but damn I’m craving one right now.

For your convenience, they’ve got a drive-thru which takes approximately five times the age of the universe to complete your order. I know, I get it, they have to prepare your toasty goodness for you. Inside it’s full of uncomfortable seats and 1960s decor. Every time I’m in there I expect Biff to walk in and call Marty McFly a chicken. I think the only place with a tackier interior is Miami Subs. Miami Subs looks like the set for Saved by the Bell.

I want to put Steak ‘n Shake in my face, and so should you.

So where the hell is it?
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3 Comments to Steak ‘n Shake

  1. Person

    Damn I live just down the street from Steak n Shake and we only go on drunken nights but I didn’t realize people who actually lived downtown came out here just for it

  2. anonymous

    There’s one literally right over the Broward border in Hallandale on Federal. Just up the street from Best Buy in Aventura.

    • Better than Kendall. I’m in. In fact, I’m gonna go get that shit NOW.

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