Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Motherfucking Food Trucks

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Who the hell started this rolling hipstermeal craze?

What made them think that doing what Cuban churro vendors in Miami and Mexican taquito/salmonella peddlers in LA do was a winning idea?

Why did they cancel Arrested Development?

I can’t answer those questions. But what I can tell you is that those damn food trucks have some delicious shit. Sure, a $3 tiny carnita (it’s a fancy word for taco, dude) might seem excessive enough for De Beers to force a bunch of Sierra Leoneans to mine for them, but they have to pay for their fucking retarded fossil fuel-burning overhead somehow.

Everyone knows how during ArtWalk an assload of food trucks congregate and make approximately $1.8 million in revenue…

Everyone knows how during ArtWalk an assload of food trucks congregate and make approximately $1.8 million in revenue each off of their patrons’ ironic taste buds, but as it turns out those food trucks like to chill in other spots between the weeks that go by. Immediately after being accosted by homeless dudes who swear they’re only going to ask me for directions, or that crazy blond cunt and her scraggly boyfriend making up some lame excuse about how they’re not homeless (they fucking smell homeless) and getting confrontational when you call her out on it, I saw the two food trucks parked in front of Bayfront Park. Admittedly, I’ve been seeing them there for a while now but never wanted to give them a try for fear that I’d become one of them.

I finally gave in when I saw a guy wearing a tie for business — not for pleasure — grabbing some grub. There are two ways of knowing when something is legit: An endorsement from uptight white guys, and a YouTube comment not using the words “nigger” or “faggot” praising it.

The two that seem to park downtown are Latin Burger and Tacos, and Jefe’s Original Fish Tacos. Clearly the theme is tacos. These vehicles have the balls to tout themselves as “gourmet” street food, so I had to put these assholes to the test.

These vehicles have the balls to tout themselves as “gourmet” street food, so I had to put these assholes to the test.

I first tried Latin Burger. I ordered a quesadilla and small fries. I emphasized the word “small” at the guy and he’s all, “you got it, chief.” Being called chief is amazing, but I think actual chiefs get annoyed at their title being thrown around all willy-nilly similar to how an engineer hates how every prick with a 2-week Microsoft certification course goes around calling himself a “systems engineer”, or like whenever some douche has a shitty job he tries to make it sound fancier than it really is by fluffing it up with complicated words. You’re not a “mercantile acquisitions specialist”, you’re a fucking pawn shop employee. You’re not an “enterprise commerce engineer”, you’re a fucking sales guy.

Anyway, I got my quesadilla, which was greasier than the cast of Jersey Shore rolling on a slice of Sbarro mall pizza. That would normally put me off, but I’ve been hitting the gym with a hammer lately and also came to terms with the fact that one day I’ll probably die anyway, so I threw caution into the wind and took a bite. That was some good-ass quesadilla. It had pieces of red meat and pieces of chorizo, but I think the tastiest pieces were those pieces of freedom and supermodel legs. I can’t put my finger on it, but that sauce has something going on which makes doves cry. Not a fan of the fries, they were pretty bland.

Next day I tried the Jefe’s truck and secretly hoped he too would call me chief.

Next day I tried the Jefe’s truck and secretly hoped he too would call me chief. This dude was more welcoming and looked conspicuously like a mobster who took a witness protection deal with the feds in exchange for information about his boss’ more suspect activities. I figure his nickname would be Big Frankie. Because he was big. And looked like a Frankie. I order some carnitas and fries, mostly just to see if the fries were better than Latin Burger. They were not. These fries tasted like baked potato chips. I don’t mean chips like Lay’s Baked Potato Chips, I mean like normal chips out of a bag that you then threw in the oven for the fuck of it. I wasn’t a fan. The carnitas, however, were phenomenal. Just the right amount of salsa verde and the tortillas were money in the bank. The pork made me question Jewish people’s reasoning for abstaining from awesomeness like bacon and sausages just because some drunken dune coon 3000 years ago kvetched about it and told them all it was dirty. Pigs, relative to chickens and fish, are pretty fucking clean animals. I’ve seen fish in fish tanks eat their own shit, I’ve never seen a pig do that. But that’s irrelevant, because you cook the damn thing and kill off any perceived filth.

Overall, I would take Latin Burger over Jefe’s because their portions are larger for the same price. Though, in all honesty, both are pretty damn good.

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7 Comments to Motherfucking Food Trucks

  1. Joe

    this article sounds as annoying as trucks themselves, very John Hood’ish

    • I don’t know if John Hood is a person or a moniker like John Doe, but for someone from the ghetto. Either way, thanks for the compliment, I strive to be annoying and generally uninformative.

      • Erica

        I think you’re article hits it right on the mark. Brava. 😉

  2. Chris

    Some of them have unique offerings. (The fish tacos from Jefe’s are one of them…) But in the end, for the price I’m paying, I rather have a table and chair under AC to eat my food at.

  3. Are you talking about that crazy, scraggily bond and her skinny, scraggly boyfriend homeless couple that sometimes stalk around Brickell? They are always making up some new story about their car being broken down, or stuck here in Miami and need bus money to get back to who-cares-to-remember what city they made up? I’ve been hit up by them so many times around the neighborhood. Classic.

    Oh, and food trucks work for me also.

    • Exactly them.

      One time I played up to their story for a bit to see how far they would go. I guess they do it to so many people they forget faces, because it was the third time they tried that crap on me. They ended up getting frustrated and highly confrontational.

  4. Andrew

    How about a Facilitator of Fatalities?

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