Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.


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Chick-fil-A, also known as Jesus Chicken, is one of the few fast food joints I would openly admit to enjoying. I don’t know what it is about them putting a chicken patty between two slices of bread and calling that a complete sandwich that I love so much.

I feel sorry for anyone allergic to peanuts.

It’s that damn peanut oil or whatever. If BP had been drilling for peanut oil when the Gulf spill happened, no one would’ve complained. You’d have a bunch of Cajun fishermen out there grilling in the open water. I feel sorry for anyone allergic to peanuts. Not only because you can’t enjoy the sweet, delicious goodness of peanut oil, but because George Washington Carver means nothing to you and therefore you’re a racist.

Jesus Chicken has a problem with beef. They have all these advertisements where there’s a cow holding up a sign that says “eat mor chikin”, as if the comically misspelled words are somehow supposed to be cute. They expect us to believe that a cow can formulate a sentence and somehow has acceptable penmanship with his filthy-ass hoof, but for some reason spelling eludes them? There’s only one animal that can do that, and that animal is called Rick Scott Voters.

The best part is their breakfast menu. I don’t know what it is about their mini chicken biscuit sandwiches; is it how cute and tiny they are or is it how it makes you feel as if you’re eating healthy since those cute and tiny sandwiches fool you into believing you’re having small portions when the reality is some baby chicken was orphaned because both its parents were plucked and murdered to make your number 7? Sweet, delicious murder.

Mini chicken sandwiches, you say?

Remember, chicken murder.

Even the TSA treats people with more respect, and they fondle your genitals.

Their service is also oddly uncharacteristic of Miami service in general. They say things like “my pleasure” and “you’re welcome.” The last time I heard a server at a restaurant say “you’re welcome,” it was followed by “…to get the fuck out of here if you don’t like it.” What’s with the awful service everywhere south of the Broward county line? Even the TSA treats people with more respect, and they fondle your genitals. You can tell Chick-fil-A is run by religious fundamentalists, because they’re all about being nice, and isn’t that what the Christian faith is all about unless you include the Crusades, 30 Years War, Spanish Inquisition, Taipeng Rebellion, French Wars of Rebellion, and a couple of other little things?

If you like chicken, the Lord, and good service you’re pretty much guaranteed to like Chick-fil-A. But if you only like chicken and good service you’ll probably still like it, because minimalist chicken sandwiches are tasty enough to baptize you.

So where the hell is it?
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