Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Women I Would Sleep with if I Had a Noble Title

With the non-stop talk of the balding Prince William’s marriage to that hot piece of ass (unexpectedly, because she’s British) Kate Middleton, I figured I’d talk royalty today.

It’s 2011, we have satellites in outer space that tell us where the nearest place to eat food when we’re not even hungry is at. We’ve sequenced the human genome. We can access hardcore pornography from the palm of our hands anywhere on the planet! In effect, we’re in the future, yet we still hold on to the antiquated abstraction that there are certain people alive today that are somehow “better” than that rest of us because their ancestors from hundreds or thousands of years ago were savvy enough to charge idiots a tax for being on some land they just decided to claim their own. That’s it, no real merit, just that their parents, and their parents’ parents, and so on inserted genitals into one another. And for some Zeusforsaken reason people keep going along with it. Ah well.

In honor of that, today we’re going to look at some hot noble bitches. Let’s face it, with all that crazy royal inbreeding that’s been done in the past you expect generally slim pickings when you’re trying to find hot royal ladies in the limelight. Overall there are a lot of royals, really, especially when you include African tribes and the Saudis. I swear, it’s like every 5th person in Saudi Arabia came from some fucking monarch’s prolific cock. It’s absurd. We’re just going to focus on the prominent royal families.

So without further ado, here are some women I would sleep with if I had a noble title.

The Vikings set a good foundation: Princess Madeleine of Sweden

Tits. Oh come on, you were fucking thinking it too.

I know very little of this bosomy fox. Hell, I wasn’t even aware the Swedes still had a royal family. I thought they were progressive and past that sort of shit, but I guess not. What I do know is her tits are the product of Viking raping and pillaging. Yes, the Viking conquests led directly to the expansion of this lady’s mammary glands. Her tits are so awesome it is said Thor’s hammer is the only object that can destroy them. Her tits are so epic they caused the economic crisis. Her tits are so majestic Mt. Everest wants to scale them. Her tits are so full of resources the United States wants to invade liberate them.

Thank you, mighty Vikings, for giving the world a princess I’d fuck with so much force the shockwaves would destroy the other half of Japan.

The Princess who would not be a princess: Zara Phillips

Granddaughter of HM Queen Elizabeth II, she doesn’t style herself as Princess, likely because she doesn’t give a fuck and recognizes the absurdity and archaicness of nobility. That makes me a little hard.

Well, the truth is she’s not styled as a princess because her parents, Princess Anne and some fucking random Olympic gold-medalist in equestrian, declined peerage for their children. I’m pretty sure everyone here would agree with me that, while the concept of royalty is stupid, I’d murder my parents if they took away my ability to be royal before I could make that decision for myself. Think about how many little girls in the world dream of being a princess.

Nonetheless, she’s still born of royal blood so she stays on the list. She’s got kind of a sexy soccer mom look to her.

Grace Kelly’s granddaughter: Princess Charlotte of Monaco

The level of infatuation I have for this girl is royally fucked up. She’s around my age, looks like one of those trendy New York girls that runs her own fashion blog and takes Hipstamatic photos of her cat, and is a princess in the most high-rolling country around. As the princess of the tiny principality of Monaco, she’s got one of the most chic bloodlines around. Think about it, who the hell is going to war with Monaco? It’s nothing but a playground for wealthy vacationers and gamblers. That’s the most laid back and simple nation a nobleman can be a part of.

Princess Charlotte is my number one pick, partly because it’s like I’d be boning Grace Kelly by proxy, but mostly because even if she weren’t royal she’d still be hot. Just look at her. Look at how sexy those lips are. I’d like to put my lordship in her principality, if you know what I mean.

I mean my penis in her vagina, just so we’re clear.

I doubt she’s as thin as this photo shows: Princess Eugenie of York

This girl balloons and retracts more than Oprah. Googling her photos showed her fat, then thin, then fat, then thin. She’s not exceptionally hot by any means, but she’s got this whole “chubby girl next door” look that with enough alcohol I’d be willing to shag and have a post-coital conversation with. If she wasn’t a part of the British peerage I probably wouldn’t pay much attention to her if I saw her in person unless she had a really, really nice voice. Yeah, it’s a thing I have, whatever.

Plus she’s got a bit of a wild side. I read something about her getting drunk and dancing outdoors naked at her boarding school. Girls like that put out.

Thank Allah for this one: Queen Rania of Jordan

This woman is so sexy I’d pull a Count of Monte Cristo and assume the identity of a wealthy Arab royal for a chance to tap that ass. I’d become Mohammed Al-Sharpton or whatever. Not only is she incredibly beautiful, but she’s very intelligent and a humanitarian. Plus, she worked at Citibank and Apple, Inc. so she knows how to deal with evil empires.

I wouldn’t even fuck her, I’d make love to her. Passionately. She’s easily the most elegant one on this list and the only one not of noble birth. Instead, she’s so hot she got to marry into royalty. So remember, girls, you too can go from peasant to princess.

You just need to be retardedly hot and accomplished.

Of course, the question is, if I was Count Orlando of Miami, would they agree to sleep with me?

Probably not.

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2 Comments to Women I Would Sleep with if I Had a Noble Title

  1. And I'm A

    I can’t believe you left Charlotte’s older sister Andrea Casiraghi out of the list! I mean, she’s a little flat-chested and all, but her bone structure is so exotic! Look at those chiseled features, the cheek bones, the blonde wavy tendrils! She looks more like Grace Kelly than Charlotte does. So she’s a little bit masculine, but have you seen her Aunt Stephanie? She’s practically a tranny. I say you add Andrea.

    • Andrea… her brother?

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