Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Mandolin Aegean Bistro

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The Greeks invented a number of things we still see today: Democracy, pederasty, and gods that will inevitably always let you down and in many cases leave you worse off than you were before.

Greek food is comparable to boy-loving.

As you can see, not the greatest track record for inventions. Their food falls in the same category. Yeah, that’s right, bitches, I said it. Greek food is comparable to boy-loving. While technically being Mediterranean food (that’s such a broad genre) I think of it more like a mixture between western Mediterranean (the good kind) and eastern/southern Mediterranean (the “we eat eyeballs and goat placenta” kind.)

I came here with a friend who was raving about how highly recommended this place was. I checked Yelp and saw a circlejerk surrounding its listing. At this point all I could think of was how bad-ass/awful Yanni was and how Greek exports like My Big Fat Greek Wedding pissed me off so I was a little apprehensive. Deep down I was hoping I would really, really enjoy the food so I could make very epic Greek mythology references which I love to do. Stuff like “THAT FUCKING OCTOPUS MUST’VE BEEN THE LOVECHILD OF THE KRAKEN AND ANDROMEDA BECAUSE IT WAS DELICIOUS AND TITAN-SLAYING, YET DELICATE ON THE PALATE.” Fuck. It’s not every day you get to make a relevant Kraken reference.

You know what would be cool? If they opened a restaurant around here that sold Greek food, but it was mythology-themed. Getting a jacked-up waiter telling you his name is Perseus, son of Zeus, then asking you what you’d like to drink only to bring you Ambrosia anyway sounds like a good Thursday night. Have a bunch of statues all over the place in various poses; going to the restroom, sitting at a table, just in the middle of the restaurant. Then have a lady come out as Medusa or her older sister Stheno because that bitch killed way more dudes than Medusa. She was like the Pelé of warrior-killing crazy Gorgon bitch serpents. Then, just for the fuck of it since it’s a popular line, every time someone orders octopus a dude dressed as Zeus comes out and yells, “RELEASE THE KRAKEN!” Even though it was Poseidon that decided to release the Kraken, and it wasn’t Hades that told off Cassiopeia when she claimed Andromeda was more beautiful than the Olympians, it was Poseidon because she claimed Andromeda was more beautiful than the Nereids. Fuck man, that movie really messed up the mythology. Sorry, I’m getting off track here. Fuck Louis Leterrier.

She was like the Pelé of warrior-killing crazy Gorgon bitch serpents.

So the food. I don’t know, we ordered a bunch of little things. There was cheese saganaki, kefte, grilled octopus, hummus, some Turkish chorizo, mussels, and shrimp. I’m thinking, “this kefte thing, it’s beef and lamb meatballs? Aww hell yeah.” In my best Will Smith impression, no less. It ended up tasting bland. I should’ve consulted the Oracle at Delphi, she would’ve told me to stay away. And probably to murder my father, that seemed to be the recurring theme with those Oracles. Anyway, none of it stuck out. I think you had to order “flavor” separately.

The décor and presentation are nice, I’ll give them that. It gives this nice vibe like if you were eating at a good restaurant. I’ve never been to Greece, but I like to think that if I were to visit, many restaurants have the same earthy minimalist style going for them. Because Greece is bankrupt.

There you have it. This is Sparta, in that they failed in the end.

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