Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Hipster Rappers You Probably Haven’t Heard Of

Hipster rappers are so underground they’re out-hipstering hipsters.

The album covers alone are enough to show you these guys mean serious business. Sorry, I mean bidness. Most of these guys have a story similar to DJay, the highly creatively-named protagonist in the movie Hustle & Flow. Southern pimp tired of the game and wanting to get into the rap career where they can keep things legitimate by putting out albums and consuming vast amounts of drugs.

I was reading through a Reddit thread and came across a number of odd album covers.

This man is precise about his activities: Big Bear

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If you manage to track down Big Bear’s Twitter account, I’m sure all the status updates will say, “thangs.”

Twitter loves to ask the question, “what are you doing?” Big Bear knows exactly what he’s doing. Thangs.

What was Big Bear doing during 9/11? Thangs.

What was Big Bear doing when a murder was committed on March 29, 2011? Thangs.

What was Big Bear doing when a rapist climbed up a window trying to snatch Antoine Dodson’s people up? Thangs.

What was Big Bear doing when he made this album? Thangs.

Dude has an alibi for everything. He’s also making the greatest promo video ever seen, because it falls under the umbrella category of “thangs.”

Getting culinary all up in this bitch: Chef BoyCellski

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Chef BoyCellski’s Culinary Arts Institution is, oddly enough, not accredited with any collegiate accreditation agencies in the United States.

This album contains some highly “gangsta charged” songs. The typical premise of acquiring currency and women of ill-repute is as pervasive as one would expect. As a nice little curveball though, to keep in line with the theme of his album, he makes at least one food reference in all of his songs. You know, it’s like a store called “We Sell Groceries” selling nothing but auto parts and Captain Crunch cereal.

I don’t know who told him this was a good idea, but I can bet you the dude was hungry as shit when he came up with it. Probably at the McDonald’s drive-thru ordering a ten piece.

Another phrase for pornographer: Smut Peddlers

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I find it strange that a CD cover with the words “Smut Peddlers… Porn Again” and various sexually promiscuous women requires the parental advisory sticker. That’s like putting cooking instructions on a box of Pop Tarts.

Wait, they have that? Well fuck me sideways.

This album has the kind of lyrics that turn women on. Obviously I mean words that are more degrading to women than the cast of Flavor of Love. Yes, this CD makes women ovulate. And it’s gangsta as fuck.

Just in time for the NBA playoffs: Top Dog

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This dude is so underground I couldn’t find audio clips of his album. Not without purchasing his CD on cdbaby.com, that is.

You would think a classy guy like him would make enough money with his ho slam-dunking show, but no, he needs to sell rhymes to make ends meet. I can only assume this is the greatest set of tracks to ever grace the land. Listening to these tunes will make your pimp hand strong and allow you to LeBron James the shit out of some trick-ass hos.

One might wonder, how did Top Dog get started slam-dunking hos? I’m not sure, but I believe hos are more abundant than basketballs in his hood.

Bruce Leroy and Jet Leroy: Shut Up and Dance

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“Mothafucker, you better dance before the police come!” That’s the general theme of this album. The group’s name is Shut Up and Dance and they’ve got this Cameo meets DJ Tiesto after a 14-hour LSD bender thing going on in the early 90s.

Their kung-fu-inspired album cover is where it’s at. Wearing what can only be described as the precursors to MC Hammer pants, we should’ve just sent those dudes to Afghanistan to find bin Laden. They’ll lay some funky fresh beats to draw the insurgents out of their caves, then they’ll use their sweet kung-fu moves on them.

Finally, as advertised, the police come and round up the terrorists. Genius.

Gestapo, Hammer Time: The Ballocaust

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Fine. So it’s not a real album cover. It’s from the defunct Adult Swim animated series Frisky Dingo in which a rapper character by the name of Taqu’il makes an interesting album theme choice.

Still, it seems to fit in line with the sort of things these players churn out. The way I see it, this one also teaches a valuable history lesson, so it’s pretty win-win.

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