Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Dogma Grill

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I come here for my triple-F; fat fuck foods. Do you ever just get a craving for corn dogs or other shit you’re only really allowed to eat at baseball games or playgrounds? I get them all the time, and Dogma is where I usually get my fix.

…Dogma serves up shitty good-tasting garbage…

Named after an awesome Kevin Smith movie, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Dogma serves up shitty good-tasting garbage that has a tendency to clog your unborn child’s arteries by reading the menu. Chili cheese hot dog with chili cheese fries and a beer. Dude, that’s some hardcore unhealthiness. They keep the eating areas outdoors so the Miami sun can attempt to strip some of your calories through sweat. I’m not sure of the efficacy of that since the last time I was there the collective weight of the patrons was nearing the kilotons.

This place is close to some of my other favorites, Le Café and Metro Organic Bistro. They’re just blocks away. I think if I had to choose to live in an area where I really don’t want to live, I would choose this one because of the nearby food choices. I don’t know why I would ever have to make that choice though. It’s like that game people play where they’re like “for a million dollars, would you blow another dude” or whatever the task is. Who the fuck is going around paying people to do things like that? I know Sir Richard Branson is a crazy billionaire that spends his money on all sorts of eccentric hijinks but I doubt his main focus is getting dudes to do gay shit for cash. But anyway, to answer the hypothetical question, yes, I would blow a dude for a million in cash after taxes. USD currency, don’t try to get sneaky.

Speaking of sucking cock, the hot dogs are delicious.

Speaking of sucking cock, the hot dogs are delicious. I’m a man who prefers grilled hot dogs over an open fire, but the reality is I enjoy hot dogs made in just about any fashion; boiled, baked, skillet, etc. Top that bitch with some chili and I’m as happy as Roman Polanski at a teenage ballet recital. The fries are pretty mediocre. Then again, I’m not exactly huge on fries unless they’re made from sweet potatoes and the oil from Aphrodite’s hair, so I’m not a good judge on what constitutes the perfect french fry.

In addition to their hot dog offerings, they have wraps and veggie dogs. Have I ever tried any of those? Of course not! Why? Because sucking a guy’s dick for a million dollars is less gay than eating either of those things. I like the L.A. Chili Dog which is a bun, hot dog meat, and awesome. If I could eat one thing for the rest of my life, it wouldn’t be that, but you thought I was going to say that so fuck you. Eating the same thing for the rest of your life is a stupid choice, I wouldn’t answer that. Unless Branson was offering up a million bucks again, and no putting another man in your mouth required.

Dogma. Hot dogs. Spectacular. Go there.


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5 Comments to Dogma Grill

  1. I’m partial to Arbetter Hotdogs on 87th and Bird. Speaking of blowing, their chili blow’s dogma’s away.

  2. C

    “Named after an awesome Kevin Smith movie, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back,” … its clear you don’t watch too many Kevin Smith movies. Shame on you.

    • Well, it wasn’t named after Mallrats.

      • C

        You’re right. I think it was probably named after Dogma.

        • No, that can’t be right.

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