Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Bonefish Grill

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One time I swallowed a bone while eating fish and it wasn’t a pleasant experience. It hurt every time I swallowed for a few days. I liken it to the equivalent to your throat’s version of burning urination. Not that I would know.

I’m sure every guy has accidentally gotten soap in his pee-hole.

That’s not true, I do kinda know. I’m sure every guy has accidentally gotten soap in his pee-hole. It’s instant sharp pain followed by instant relief. That’s what swallowing a fish bone is like. It’s possible to swallow it and not even realize it, but if you’re unlucky enough like me to have that little bitch go down horizontally and then your throat muscles contract to make the swallowing motion to create a nice pierce, it’s going to hurt. Luckily for me it didn’t get lodged there, however the damage was done and I lost like 10 lbs from the ensuing lack of eating for 4 days. I always thought it was bullshit how my parents would tell me to be wary of fish bones when eating fish, just like how your face would freeze a specific way if you’re making a funny face or how you can get AIDS from your server at Denny’s accidentally spitting in your drink a little bit when he’s reading back your order.

Naturally, the name “Bonefish” made me apprehensive about dining there. I was all “fuck everything about that” but gave in anyway. The first time I went I had only the crab cakes, which are appetizers, but I had two orders and fucking bread. I didn’t want to take chances with the bony fish. At worst, a crab would hook me up with some cartilage and I doubt that could wreak as much throat violence as a spiny little fucking salmon could. The next time I had salmon. That same time I had a waiter named Tad.

That same time I had a waiter named Tad.

Hahahaha, fucking Tad. There are some really, really douchie names out there that basically shape your personality. Tad is one of those. You can’t be a Tad, Chase, Chad, Todd, Hunter, Taylor, or Rusty and not be a Zeusdamn scumbag. With a name like that you either become a champion prolific drinker at a fraternity somewhere, a lacrosse player in a good New England school your dad pulled some strings to get you in, or a date-rapist. There’s heavy overlap between the three as well, so it’s possible to be all of the above.

The food at Bonefish is surprisingly good. Usually things with good TV/radio ads suck. Old Spice had the greatest campaign of all time and it smells like a dumpster that just got fucked by a hobo. The inverse doesn’t work though, things with awful ads aren’t great, otherwise we’d all be getting our degrees at ITT or Keiser College. But back to the food. The best crab cakes I’ve ever had were at Rusty Pelican, but Bonefish makes some comparably tasty ones as well. Chilean sea bass with mango salsa? I wanna be fucking BURIED in mango salsa.

For a chain restaurant, it’s not half bad. If a friend was like “yo, let’s hit up bonefish” I’d ask him not to talk like that and then go along.


So where the hell is it?
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3 Comments to Bonefish Grill

  1. Andrew

    I wasn’t aware of the various ranks in the vegan hierarchy.

    • Yes. At level 8 vegan you can’t eat anything with DNA. Not a very long life those guys have.

  2. Dana D

    Paragraph 2, sentence 3.

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