Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

A Frat Bro Reviews Sunset Tavern

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THIS IS IT, BRAH, MY FAV HANGOUT SPOT WITH ALL MY BROS AND A FEW OF MY HOS. I GET FUCKING WASTED HERE AT LEAST TWO TIMES A WEEK AND THEN WAKE UP WITHOUT REMEMBERING WHAT MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER IS.

WE USED TO CALL HIM ARSONIO HALL UNTIL HE GOT KICKED OUT.

I USUALLY HANG OUT WITH MY BEST BROS, FRANK THE TANK, TANK THE FRANK, THOMAS THE TANK, BIG NIG, SCUBA STEVE, PAC-MAN, GARFIELD, TRANNY JOE, O’MALLY, DIRTY SANCHEZ, JOE DIRT, WHITEY, BLACKIE, SORT-OF-BLACKIE, EDGAR ALLAN BRO, BROSEIDON, AND ALBERT. ALBERT DOESN’T GET A NICKNAME BECAUSE HE’S NOT IN THE FRAT SINCE HE’S NOT ALLOWED TO BE WITHIN 500 FEET OF AN INSTITUTION OF HIGHER LEARNING. IT’S SOME CRAZY SHIT, BROSEF, THEY SAY HE BURNT DOWN THE MUSIC PERFORMANCE HALL AT CARLOS ALBIZU UNIVERSITY AND THEY NEVER REBUILT. WE USED TO CALL HIM ARSONIO HALL UNTIL HE GOT KICKED OUT. IT’S A RULE, DUDE, NICKNAMES FOR BROS ONLY. HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE APPEALING IT AND SHIT, BUT HE’S BEEN BROCRASTINATING.

IT’S COOL THOUGH BECAUSE WE CAN CHILL WITH ALBERT AT SUNSET TAVERN. THE ONLY DAY WE CAN’T GO THERE IS WHENEVER THEY HAVE LESBIAN NIGHTS. TRANNY JOE AND EDGAR ALLAN BRO GOT INTO SOME TROUBLE THERE ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS WHEN THEY TRIED TO START A WET T-SHIRT CONTEST BY RUNNING AROUND WITH A SUPER SOAKER AND A FIREFIGHTER HOSE THEY GOT FROM AN ALUM BRO WHICH THEY HOOKED UP OUTSIDE. SOME PISSED OFF LESBIAN GOT BUTTHURT WHEN THEY SPRAYED HER BECAUSE SHE CLAIMED THE WATER PRESSURE KNOCKED HER BACK 39 FEET. WHAT A CRYBABY. SHE HAD RIGHTEOUS TITS THOUGH, BRO, TRANNY JOE GOT A GOOD PHOTO OF THEM AND POSTED IT ON OUR WALL WE CALL THE SPECTACLE OF CHESTICLES. ANYWAY WE CAN’T GO ON THOSE NIGHTS, BUT IT’S COOL BECAUSE THOSE LEZIES AREN’T THE COOL KIND. THEY’RE THE HOME DEPOT KIND.

SUNSET PLAYS ALL THE UM GAMES ALL THE FUCKING TIME. HELL YEAH. THEY EVEN PLAY OUR LACROSSE GAMES SOMETIMES. THEY USUALLY ONLY DO THAT WHEN GARFIELD RECORDS IT ON HIS IPHONE AND GIVES IT TO DIRTY SANCHEZ. SANCHEZ IS GOOD AT MAKING THEM PLAY IT. I DON’T KNOW HOW HE DOES IT, HE AND THE OWNER TALK FOR A BIT, THEN THEY GO INTO A ROOM FOR A FEW MINUTES AND WHEN THEY COME OUT ALL SWEATY AND SHIT THE GUY AGREES TO PLAY THE GAME FOR US. HAHAHA, SANCHEZ MUST’VE WHOOPED HIS ASS IN THERE OR SOMETHING. HE’S SO FUCKING ALPHA.

BIG NIG USED TO DRINK THAT SHIT IN CHURCH.

THERE’S A LOT OF BEER IN THERE BUT ALL WE REALLY CARE ABOUT IS MILLER LITE, COORS LITE, NATTY LITE, PBR, AND BUD LIGHT. I SAW SOME ARTFAGS DRINKING GUINNESS ONE TIME. WTF IS THAT HAHAHA. IT LOOKS LIKE MOTOR OIL. BIG NIG USED TO DRINK THAT SHIT IN CHURCH. I HAVEN’T SEEN HIM DRINK IT LATELY THOUGH. HE’S GONE SOFT I THINK, HE MISSED THE LAST MIXER BECAUSE HE SAID HE HAD TO STUDY OR HE’LL LOSE HIS FOOTBALL SCHOLARSHIP. HOW WEIRD, BRO, CAN’T HIS PARENTS JUST PAY FOR THAT SHIT? IT’S ONLY LIKE $100 GRAND PER SEMESTER OR SOMETHING. IS THAT EVEN A LOT OF MONEY? MY DAD SAYS HE SCAMS PEOPLE OUT OF THAT KIND OF MONEY ON A SLOW TUESDAY AFTERNOON. HAHAHA MY DAD IS CHILL, BRO.

MAN I GOT SO WASTED LAST TIME I WAS THERE. I WOKE UP OUTSIDE WITH A HITLER MUSTACHE DRAWN ON MY FACE. LOL IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE BROS THAT DID THAT. SCUBA STEVE PASSED OUT ONCE AND WE TOOK A PHOTO OF TRANNY JOE TEABAGGING HIM, THEN WE SENT THE PICTURE TO HIS DAD, COLONEL JACOBS. WE CALL HIM COLONEL JACOBS BUT HE’S ACTUALLY A LIEUTENANT GENERAL. HE GOT SO PISSED WE DIDN’T SEE SCUBA STEVE FOR 3 WEEKS AND WHEN HE CAME BACK HE WAS ALL PROPER AND SHIT. BUT IT’S COOL, WE FIXED THAT SHIT UP WITH AN OD OF OXYCODONE.

YEAH MAN, IF YOU WANNA GET WASTED AND HANG OUT WITH BROS LIKE US, COME CHILL AT SUNSET TAVERN. MAKE SURE YOU BRING LIKE $9 SO YOU CAN LOAD UP THE JUKEBOX WITH HOOBASTANK, LINKIN PARK, AND JOHN MAYER.


So where the hell is it?
  • 7232 SW 59th Ave
  • South Miami, FL 33143
  • (305) 665-9996
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1 Comment to A Frat Bro Reviews Sunset Tavern

  1. Great website. Plenty of useful info here. I’m sending it to some buddies ans
    also sharing in delicious. And certainly, thank you in your sweat!

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