Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Metro Organic Bistro

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Usually I stay away from anything containing the word “organic” because it reminds me of annoying health nut douches. Sometimes I want to go to Whole Foods with a syringe full of antibiotics and just inject everything in sight.

I immediately became apprehensive when told it’s organic.

When I was first told about this place they made it sound amazing. You know when someone tells you about something and uses their hands very expressively and enthusiastically without being Italian? Yeah, that’s usually a good sign. I immediately became apprehensive when told it’s organic. But still, they were adamant about it and claimed the sweet potato fries were the best they’ve ever had.

There are 3 things I love; Arrested Development, sweet potato fries, and Kitlers. Kitlers are kittens that look like Hitler.

Based on their glowing recommendation I agreed to go there with them. Upon arrival I noticed we had to sit outside. That’s cool because it’s winter, but I can’t imagine how people handle that shit in the summer when your sweat’s sweat is sweating. The menu has some pretty good shit but I opted for the sweet potato fries and the ratatouille. Yeah, bitch, that’s right, I eat peasant food.

My date had a steak or some shit like that because she’s a flesh-eating Cuban. I’ve never met a vegan Cuban. I’m not saying they don’t exist, I’m just saying I’ve never met one. I guess it’s because republicans can’t not eat things with emotive eyes.

I won’t lie, the fries were the shit. Like, hardcore awesome. They really were the best sweet potato fries I’ve ever had in my life. Maybe it’s the oil they use, maybe they add just the right amount of salt, or maybe it’s the fucking New York Times they wrap it in. I was enjoying my fries and reading up on what was happening in Egypt at the time.

I was enjoying my fries and reading up on what was happening in Egypt at the time.

Then came the ratatouille. The other 5 people at the table looked at me like I was some kind of pussy with an eating disorder because I was “just” eating that. I forgot that in AMERICA I have to add a side of something that can clog my arteries just by reading the name on the menu. I took a bite of that ratatouille and it took me back to my childhood in Paris, France. By that, obviously, I mean that one time when I was 5 and I went to Epcot and hated it because what the fuck is there to do in Epcot when you’re a little kid? It was as delicious as watching a dude with a spoiler on his car get a speeding ticket.

They’ve got some decent beers, but only a selection of like 5 or 6. Also, bonus, it’s next to a car wash so you can get your car washed and sing that song about being at a car wash. I believe it’s called, “Car Wash.”

I heartily recommend Metro. If they’d nix the whole “organic” thing I’d marry it and do like Tracy Jordan and get that bitch pregnant behind a middle school.


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6 Comments to Metro Organic Bistro

  1. heygirlhey

    “I can’t imagine how people handle that shit in the summer when your sweat’s sweat is sweating.”
    Best line ever!

  2. S

    I wish Arrested Development was still on the air.

  3. Mari

    I’m half Cuban, and a vegetarian.

    • Ah, a half-breed. You’re what we call a daywalker. You get the benefits of being a non-Cuban and the benefits of being a Cuban, such as an extra-loud voice and an instant green card.

      • Mari

        Haha it is definitely the best of both worlds.

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