Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Lincoln Theatre

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As a former band nerd and ongoing classical music enthusiast I’m a fan of the Lincoln Theatre. I wonder if in 100 years this place will still be open, and if Run DMC will be considered classical by then. It’d be cool to see a couple of Jewish boys in tuxedos singing Tricky with a symphony backing.


I’ve only ever been to the Lincoln Theatre to watch the New World Symphony do its thing. I know they sometimes have comedy acts and plays or whatever, but I only give a crap about symphonies. It’s probably my one redeeming quality that would lead you to believe I’m a refined human being until I walk out of there and go “WHERE THE WHITE WOMEN AT?!” They’re inside watching the symphony, eating hard candy, and writing birthday checks to their grandchildren.

I usually show up early so I get to rub elbows with Miami’s most well-known random geriatric Jews and wait around for them to open up seating. I’m usually the only person there that can’t describe the Great Depression to you unless you count the 18-year-old virtuoso violinist or pianist. I like going with symphony virgins because they make little mistakes like being the only ones to clap between movements, and I’m an asshole so I don’t tell them. Having a 60-something aged woman with a dye job and a scarf give your friend the death glare is awesome.

This gives patrons an opportunity to empty out their colostomy bags…

During intermissions you’re directed to the lobby and they sell wine, cheese plates, small sandwiches, and soft drinks. This gives patrons an opportunity to empty out their colostomy bags and reminisce about Woodrow Wilson’s wartime policies. Once the intermission is over a woman with a fake smile comes out with a tiny xylophone and plays a Nokia ringtone for everyone. That indicates it’s time for the herd to head back inside.

Watching shows here is great; the sound, view, and mood here is solid. Fuck, that sounded like a legitimate compliment, I should spice it up somehow. Watching interracial gangbangs here is great; the sound, view, and mood here is solid. I’m just kidding, I don’t like watching gangbangs. It’s like there’s just too much going on. And when you’re focusing on the pretty girl that makes her moans sound at least somewhat realistic, the camera guy decides to pan over to some other dude’s ass railing the loud girl being DP’d by the black guy and the Latino. Tired of that shit.

Classiness. That’s how I would describe the Lincoln Theatre. And this review.

So where the hell is it?
  • 541 Lincoln Rd
  • Miami Beach, FL 33139
  • (305) 673-3330
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2 Comments to Lincoln Theatre

  1. You do realize this is going to become a retail space, right? What show did you actually see?

    • Yeah, but I haven’t been to the New World Center yet. Last symphony I saw was at the end of the season months ago. Also went with a friend to listen to some chef, bored to tears, I think in November or December?

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