Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Lemoni Cafe

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I was introduced to this spot by yet another girl I lacked the maturity to commit to. At first I was reminded of a Starbucks until the second time I visited and realized they served pretty banging food.

We sat down and talked about feelings and shit…

When I first learned of this place it was because said female wanted to get a drink while we were in the area and a friend of hers work[s/ed] there. We sat down and talked about feelings and shit, and also about her upcoming school’s career day. She wanted me to talk to her students about what I did and I knew that would be a mistake but I agreed to do it anyway. When that day came, there were some ladies from Lemoni Cafe explaining to little inner-city 6th graders how mundane it is to serve people drinks and sandwiches.

After watching that, I knew that illustrating the intricacies of what an engineer does for a living would bore them so hard they’d start their lives of crime early. So I lied to them. I took some tiny tidbit from the job I was working at the time (co-designed a component which we sold to a government contractor that was then adapted by them into something that was eventually sold to NASA, or JPL, I forget) and told them I made fucking satellites that went to outer space. Those kids were so into it by the end of my bullshit they were asking me if I had ever been to space, seen an alien, or as one kid asked, “killed terrorists.”

Do I feel bad about lying to those children? Of course not. It was either that or explain to them how my job is 50% documentation, 40% research, 10% execution. Midway through my speech they would wish I sold pastries.

Do I feel bad about lying to those children? Of course not.

Lemoni. Lemoni serves a pretty mean tuna sandwich that has a hefty kick of, drum-roll please… lemon. I’m generally not big on tuna sandwiches on account of mayonnaise, a.k.a. Lucifer’s wife’s yeast infection’s liquefied scrapings, but I’ve gotta say I enjoyed it this time. They’ve got a decent hummus situation working for them as well. Now for the part I really enjoyed; their tiramisu. Awwww yeaaaaah, that tiramisu made me hard. That tiramisu was so good I went back to my old high school and turned in a 10th grade English assignment on The Great Gatsby I never completed. Bards wrote songs in my mouth about that tiramisu. Roger Moore announced he’s playing James Bond from the future warning Daniel Craig’s Bond about how he’s going to become a little bitch if he doesn’t start acting like a real goddamn Bond because of that tiramisu.

It’s a cheap, hipster-chic (ugh) joint in Buena Vista. If you’re in the area looking for a good sandwich in a nice environment I’d say put on your Member’s Only jacket, scarf, non-prescription glasses, and other tacky shit people only wear “ironically” and order yourself a sandwich, Orangina, and tiramisu.

What is a hipster?


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