Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

BWM Mailbag: Volume 2

Lots of bloggers and pseudo-writers have entries where they post emails they receive from readers. I’ve decided to do the same.

In this edition I received my first piece of hate mail. I finally feel like a real writer, and I have you to thank, “Pamela”.

Without further ado, here are some messages I’ve received along with my replies. Hey, I’ve even changed the names to protect the innocent!

Mike. Probably racist.

from	        Mike
to	        Me

lol your profiling article was hilarious but you left out jews and pacific
islanders
from	        Me
to	        Mike

Hi Mike,

Jews control the media and I don't want to get in trouble with them, so
instead of writing about them I figure I'll play a practical joke on my
accountant, probably something involving loss of money because Jews are 
scared of that. I'm undecided, I could also go with having his daughter 
pretend she's marrying a Palestinian, though I'm not sure she would play 
along with it since he doesn't have a daughter and therefore she doesn't 
exist. Not giving up on that idea though, it may still be workable with the
help of some very powerful hallucinogenic narcotics somehow. I know some
Colombians.

As far as pacific islanders, the only thing I know about them is they look
like a mix of Mexicans and Cambodians. So, like Tila Tequila. There isn't
much I can do with that.
from	        Mike
to	        Me

you should write another one and make fun of jews. you should make a
whole category where you make fun of jews. i was thinking you should
write a review as hitler reviewing jewish restaurants. lol that would be
funny
from	        Me
to	        Mike

Hi Mike,

John Galliano, is that you?

Pamela. Official hate mail.

from	        Pamela
to	        Me

I came across your blog via a Facebook friend who said it was funny. Instead
I found misogynist rantings and nonsensical tirades. There is no reason for
you to be so vulgar. I couldn't hold myself back from telling you this.
from	        Me
to	        Pamela

Hi Pamela,

Years ago I was beaten viciously in an alleyway. Following that ordeal I felt
weak and useless for months. Social activities gave me a crippling fear and
to this day I still feel a deep sense of anxiety when I'm around others. My
coping mechanism is my writing. I guess anything I say that comes off
misogynist is my way of making myself feel empowered rather than the
constant feeling of victimization.

I can't believe I'm telling a complete stranger this. The only other person that
knows is my psychiatrist. This was remarkably therapeutic, and maybe
talking about it with people is the first step to changing my ways and
improving myself.
from	        Pamela
to	        Me

Oh my God I had no idea. I'm so sorry about all of that, and I hope my words
didn't sting. I'm glad you want to improve yourself and if you need anyone to
talk to my number is XXX-XXX-XXXX
from	        Me
to	        Pamela

Hi Pamela,

Damn Pam, I was bullshitting. I got your digits though, so it looks to me like
I have a new dating strategy.
from	        Pamela
to	        Me

You're an asshole.
from	        Me
to	        Pamela

Hi Pamela,

I can make up another story on why that is. Would you like to hear it?

Ashley. Boston-Miami transplant.

from	        Ashley
to	        Me

Well...I just wanted to tell you how much I love your website. I randomly
came across it via my facebook mini feed. A friend of a friend posted your
Gigi review on another friends wall and I decided to peruse (stalk) the
website. I love it. Your reviews are absolutely hilarious and I just had to
tell you that they made me miss home a bit too much. I grew up in
Miami - well Aventura - and just moved to Boston to start my life as a
writer...what they didn't tell me about this magical land is that between
December and February it blows to live here. I knew that it snowed...I was
prepared for snow...but it has snow almost a foot every single week for the
last four weeks. That's a lot of shoveling. I hate Miami. I hate the humidity
and the way it makes my two feet long hair curl up into my own rendition
of a Jew-fro...but this snow reminds me of sun dresses, chanclettas, and
being able to go out any night of the year without having to wear a coat
and boots that are designed for the Arctic Tundra....

I tend to rant to innocent bystanders. Sorry bout that. I saw a fellow writer
and got way too friendly way too fast...Anyways, love your blog and
please don't hold my frequent use of ellipses against me.

Ashley

from	        Me
to	        Ashley

Hi Ashley,

Your surname looks similar to "muskrat" which I find hilarious. Boston is a
very silly choice for a Miami native to migrate to, my friend Nicole did the
same thing and I think she's retarded for doing so, but I won't call her
retarded to her face on the off-chance that it turns out she's got like an
undeveloped fetus twin attached to her hip that she killed in the womb
and I make her self-conscious over it. That's not retarded as much as it's
just deformed but I couldn't think of any scenarios that would make a med
student mentally retarded.

Thanks for the praise, and enjoy wasting 45 minutes getting out of your
driveway in the cold-ass morning while I'm wearing a t-shirt in January.

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