Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

A Trek Through the Amazon: The Lost Reviews, Volume 7

Before I started writing on Yelp and subsequently here, I used to write 5-star reviews on Amazon. For the vast majority of them, they were either declined upon submission or removed soon after. A few, the more tame ones, were lucky enough to remain. This is one of them.

Simone Chickenbone Chicken Poop Lip Junk 0.15 oz lip balm

[Link to Amazon item]

Why did the chicken cross the road? To poop on my lips.

I’ve gotta say, when I saw this I thought it was a joke. There’s no way this could actually be real. Boy was I wrong!

One day I decided life’s too short to be skeptical and figured I should give it a try. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen [a lot of bad things]? I’m a little too cheap to spend the $2.49 on a plastic stick of fowl fecal matter, but being the savvy guy I am I figured out a different way to get my hands on this product.

See, there’s a petting zoo not too far from my home and they happen to have quite the collection of chickens. One might be tempted to go in guns blazing, stick your head under a hen’s cloaca, and hold a knife to her throat for the effect of scaring the crap out of her. Classic rookie mistake. Do that and you’ll end up with chicken scat all over your face, and while it’s a relatively effective sunblock it tends to dry out quickly.

The correct procedure is to bring along a container to store the doody. Yes, I said doody.

With your container in hand, once again resist the urge to scare the chicken into providing you with its liquid gold since the avian family isn’t well known for impeccable aim. Behavior like that will yield a hand lotion effective for bug bites, but it breaks and crackles easily during your day-to-day activities. Simply speak to the chicken. Tell the chicken what you want, say please, tease her with some corn feed, and when she defecates be on your way and don’t linger. Seriously, get out of there quick because chances are the crowd that gathered around you doesn’t want your autograph.

Once you’ve got it, bam, rub that baby all over your chapped, crusty lips and enjoy it. The tingle tells you it’s working. And by working, I mean transferring all sorts of bacterial infections, so if you feel that tingle please get medical attention immediately because chicken turd is about as hardcore a disease vector as they come. Duck sauce is no substitute, neither is pigeon, ESPECIALLY pigeon.

I just saved you $2.49. You’re welcome.

PROS: Save money, same results, kissable lips.
CONS: Can’t lick your lips without paying the price; heavyweight top-gun diarrhea.

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