Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

A Lesson in Food

Everyone has to eat. Most of us eat organic matter to sustain ourselves while others do well feeding on the souls of forsaken demons from the deepest, darkest, most neglected portions of hell. Yes, Karl Rove likes his demonic delicacies fresh and organic so he shops at Unholy Foods.

Opinions about what is delicious varies wildly from country to country. Mediterraneans love to eat seafood, Asians love to eat rice, Americans love to eat the dreams of minorities, etc. This guide doesn’t take into account any of that shit. It’s a selfish list of things I like/dislike and I’m determining right now that if you disagree with me you’re a piece of crap. It’s going to be very easy to disagree with me, because I don’t know what I’m talking about.

The biggest likes


With the exception of cotton candy and your wife being diagnosed with a condition where she requires a tablespoon of your semen daily, it doesn’t get any better than steak. This is the food of the Gods. This is the reason for climate change. This is why I think Indians are batshit insane if they’re willing to forgo this gift from Zeus. It is the pinnacle of predatory cuisine, and it’s so delicious it’s a multi-billion dollar industry to take the crappy parts, put them between bread, and sell it through a drive-thru window for less money than it costs to vaccinate a Rwandan child.


They say that sex is like pizza; even when it’s bad, it’s good. Of course, that’s absolute horseshit because pizza can’t be so dry it chafes your dick, nor can pizza give you herpes or, even worse, a baby to deal with. Pizza will never do those things to you, but what it will do is provide you with ample amounts of deliciousness. It’s not going to get mad because you didn’t call when you said you would, it’s not going to act like it’s going to satisfy you then stop short for some reason and decide out of the blue that she needs to go because her sister “needs her”, and it damn sure isn’t going to talk about its feelings with you. It’s going to go in your mouth and be amazing as hell. Always.


Whenever some white guy named Chad or Hunter asks me what paella is I usually explain it like this. “Do you like yellow rice? Ok, take that and mix it with whatever you scraped from the bottom of the ocean and you’ve got yourself a paella.” White dudes love yellow rice, this is a fact, and depending what region they’re from they may be really into seafood as well. My dad makes the greatest paella ever and he doesn’t even make it correctly. I figure if he made it correctly the world would collapse upon itself on account of the awesomeness. You may be thinking, “hey, doesn’t paella seem like peasant food?” Yes, yes it does. I’m sure some broke Spaniard invented it when she was trying to cook for her family but her alcoholic husband didn’t bring any food home, so she took whatever wasn’t spoiled yet or any barnacles she could scrape off some armada ship in a Valencian port and threw it in a pot with some rice. Voila, incredible meal. Then the husband beat her, of course, because he’s an alcoholic and it was 19th century Spain.

Creme brulee

You could make a crème brûlée using expired goat milk and I’ll still eat that shit. As far as desserts go, it’s pretty much on top. Obviously I don’t count cotton candy or Twix bars because those things transcend dessert status and become divine palate rapists. While the French name may throw you off, this is the manliest of desserts. I don’t think you understand how manly it is when the instructions on how to make this eventually state, “ok, now pull out your flame-thrower and use it on the top layer of what you’re about to eat.” The only way that could’ve been manlier is if it asked you to bench press a naked maiden you just rescued from the clutches of some mythical dragon that tore Beowulf’s shit off. I love this dessert, the only things that come close are tres leches and tiramisu.

The biggest dislikes


I’m cutting right to the chase, sushi is the worst thing ever. I’m sorry, Japan, I know I shouldn’t really be badmouthing you during your time of strife and hardships, but you’re the ones that started it by inventing sushi. What the fuck were you thinking? Was it a joke the same way the French started selling us water in bottles? Was it a dare by China? Meat shouldn’t be cold (except jerky and salami, those are the notable manly exceptions) and it shouldn’t be “designed” to look like you took a goddamn eel and sliced it like thick pepperoni. I don’t even think anyone in the west truly even likes sushi. I think it’s an Emperor’s New Clothes situation where some Wall Street cockfuck tried it and said it was delicious, then all his yes-men agreed, and next thing you know everyone is eating it secretly loathing it but pretending it’s the greatest thing since Pepsi Throwback. Hopefully the little kid that points out the emperor is naked and stupid will come out of the woodwork soon so we can stop this charade. The worst thing about sushi is its texture. I don’t care what kind of sushi you’re eating, they all feel terrible in your mouth. If I wanted my mouth to feel like I’m a prison bitch I’d be into BDSM.

UPDATE: I forgot to mention bacon. Forget everything I said earlier, bacon wins. Sorry Jews and Muslims.

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5 Comments to A Lesson in Food

  1. heygirlhey

    LOVE bacon. Mmmmm. You could have just left this as the bottom sentence. <3

  2. You no li’e suchi? What on earth! Try it outside of Miami. If you still don’t like it, then I guess you really don’t like it then, huh :(.

    Bacon makes any and everything taste better, but I just can’t eat it on its own anymore.

    • I’ve tried it in San Francisco and New York, and not at some shitball place owned by Honduran immigrants, I’m talking classy joints. Still an abomination.

  3. julie a

    haha i LOVE creme brulee too, and i do like sushi. but not in the same meal.

    • Did you know that crème brûlée is pronounced as “creamy broo-lee”? No? Well, now you do.

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