Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Virgin America

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If Virgin America were a hot chick, I would treat her with respect.

I love to fly. I’m a sport pilot, often fly commercial airlines provided they have ample legroom, and sometimes lie to women about my profession as a test pilot. People take it for granted all the time, but it’s so incredibly incredible how we have these massive machines that can fly through the fucking sky. And to top it off, they have tiny bottles of alcohol in there to boot.

My least favorite airline is American Airlines…

My least favorite airline is American Airlines because they fly jets that are older than anything the Wright Brothers ever flew. Recently I’ve been experimenting with other airlines and the so-called low-cost airlines tend to be on the whole better than their high-cost counterparts. They don’t brand themselves “high-cost”, but if some airlines are touting themselves low-cost, suddenly you became high-cost. It’s like if I’m standing next to some guy and I advertise myself as “the one WITHOUT the micropenis”, guess what, the other dude now has a micropenis whether he likes it or not. Tough break.

I narrowed the choice down to JetBlue or Virgin. I’ve written about JetBlue in the past and love the airline. I figured this time I would try Virgin and see how they stack up. Sir Richard Branson, crazy billionaire, decided to start this company on a whim. He’s no longer closely affiliated with it on account of certain laws in place, but that shit was all his idea. Because an eccentric billionaire was behind it so was I.

On my way to San Francisco I sat next to an Asian chick…

On my way to San Francisco I sat next to an Asian chick which I consider that move “pre-gaming” similar to how you pre-game by drinking a bit of booze at home before you head out to a club. We talked a lot the first hour or so of the flight, then she mentioned Neopets. I was like, “how old are you, exactly?” She said 18. Between the ages of 18 and 39 it’s impossible to tell how old an Asian woman is. I think the only way is to cut her in half and count the rings. Anyway, once she said 18 I felt like a pervert and tapered our chatter to idle chit chat about the weather and Dateline NBC’s “To Catch a Predator.”

Like JetBlue, there is ample legroom for a man of my height. There’s also ample entertainment in the form of video games for a man of my maturity level. Each seat has a a touchscreen with selections for music, ordering drinks/meals, satellite TV, video games, and even an in-flight chat room which no one uses. The seats are leather, there’s a power outlet under each seat, and the flight attendants aren’t cunts. Checking in baggage costs about $30 or $35 which is about the cost of looking at a drink in a South Beach club, but I was only traveling with a carry-on. Also like a SoBe club, there’s some purple mood lighting going on in the plane and about midway through the flight they clear out all the seats and create a huge dance floor while Snoop Dogg the pilot gets high.

Richard Branson is one of the 6 people who read this blog.

On my way back to Miami I got bumped to first class, probably because they realized who I was. Richard Branson is one of the 6 people who read this blog. First class is just like coach except the seats recline a lot more, have footrests, massages, and you can get loaded on tiny bottles of Bombay Sapphire without having to pay. When I say “without having to pay” what I mean is without having to pay any more than the 5000% markup you paid for that ticket in the first place.

A quick note about San Francisco International, they have the gate rape situation going over at the TSA station. I counted 6 people being “randomly selected” for the porn scanner and 5 were women. Think about the last time a woman hijacked a plane. Fanatic Muslim women aren’t even allowed to walk in front of a man let alone take over and crash a $80 million jet. America, fuck yeah!

This is definitely a great airline. It beats the shit out of United, American, Delta, Continental, and Taliban Air.

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