Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

A Trek Through the Amazon: The Lost Reviews, Volume 5

Before I started writing on Yelp and subsequently here, I used to write 5-star reviews on Amazon. For the vast majority of them, they were either declined upon submission or removed soon after. A few, the more tame ones, were lucky enough to remain. This is one of them.

Zubaz Pants

[Link to Amazon item]

I’m never taking these off, law suit or not.

I’m a gay zebra surveyor. No, not a zebra surveyor that happens to be gay, but a surveyor that surveys gay zebras. I needed a pair of pants that can keep up with my active gay zebra surveying lifestyle. As a surveyor setting up focus groups for Fortune 500,000 companies, I get paid to walk up to gay zebras, give them “the look”, and chat them up enough until they’re comfortable answering a few questions (simple things like which moisturizers they tend to use, how they feel about universal health care, if Ellen and Portia make a good couple, etc.) The problem is, they immediately recognize me as human and start to prance away, and I’m betting it’s on account of the pants I wear. Jeans? Can’t! Chinos? No, though hyenas respond well to those. Corduroy? As if! Finding a gay zebra to approach is tough enough, finding a gay zebra into humans is nearly impossible.

Then I found the Zubaz pants and they changed my life!

Not only do they make me blend in perfectly with the gay zebra community in the African safari, but they let my junk flow freely. My junk being my fanny pack which I use to carry surveyor tools such as pens, pencils, mace, clipboards, paper, and The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants softcover. It’s a large fanny pack.

I highly recommend these pants to EVERYONE in the gay zebra surveying community (Todd and Rusty.) My productivity has gone way up… and so has my popularity with the ladies. *wink*

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