Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

A Lesson in Women

In the words of every black comedian ever, “bitches be crazy.” They have more issues than Time Magazine. More baggage than a train station in China. More hang-ups than a telemarketer. More emotional problems than… a person with a lot of emotional problems.

It’s commonly believed that the vagina holds power over all men; that all men would fuck any woman so hard that in the words of the wise internet, “whomever could pull the guy’s dick out of her would be the next King of England.” This is not true. You see, it’s not the vagina that controls men, it’s the conniving female brain. Sure, a woman’s brain is only 80% the size of a man’s. Sure, a woman’s brain isn’t as logic-oriented as a man’s. But what they lack in useless gray matter and getting the bonus question correct in an algebra exam they more than make up for in an attribute I like to call “mindfuckosity.”

Mindfuckosity isn’t as sexy as it sounds

Mindfuckosity is how a woman destroys a man in an argument, and it’s a torture tool. The US government resorted to waterboarding after it was determined that sending in one of the whores from an episode of Real Housewives of Jersey to tell him about her day was a direct violation of the Geneva Conventions. A woman’s mindfuckosity is as torturous as a sadist forced to do nothing to a masochist.

The one and only tool a man has in his arsenal against women (physical strength) has been nullified since the 20th century. In 1849 if a woman wanted to go shoe shopping she needed to first rear the 12 children, do the housework, prepare supper, milk some cows, churn some butter, sex her husband, and then perhaps if the general store were open by the time she’s done telling her slaves to do all that bullshit her husband may gift her with a pair of ugly-ass leather boots. Nowadays if a woman wants shoes the man has to tuck his penis between his legs and sit in Nordstrom destroying his eye muscles by using his peripherals to catch a glimpse of that Colombian chick with the spectacular set of tits bending over to lace up some strappy heels. What? Of course she’s fucking Colombian!

What do Colombian girls get for their 16th birthday?

Happy birthday to me!

A woman’s mindfuckosity guarantees her winning any argument. Did you leave the toilet seat up? Yes. Suddenly you’re a selfish asshole who wants her to fall into the toilet like some inbred royal from the Habsburg family that’s too retarded to look down before sitting. Never mind the fact that guys are selfish for leaving the seat up thus making women put it down, yet somehow women aren’t selfish if they’re not willing to just put the damn seat down themselves and instead force us to do their job for them. That would be “logical”, and that’s not at all what mindfuckosity is about.

Oh, but fear not, mindfuckosity isn’t only used against men.

Women hate women

This is how the world operates. Women don’t like men, but they absolutely hate other women.

What? Gimme an example then.

“LOOK AT THAT BITCH’S SHOES, wait, here she comes. Heeeeeeeeey girl, oh my God those shoes are gorgeous!”

I’ve never watched Gossip Girl, but I can only assume it’s about some pretty chicks being pretty chicks and flaunting their first-world problems. If I were asked to write a script for an episode of Gossip Girl it would go something like this:

Pretty white girl with straight hair

I can’t believe Blair is wearing the same blouse she wore to yesterday’s party!

Gossip GirlPretty white girl with straight hair
Starving African in war-torn country

I am the product of rape, my father slaughtered, brothers aged 6 and 8 conscripted into the brutal warlord’s militia, I have measles, I can’t see out of my right eye, and I’m starving to death. Oh, I also have AIDS I contracted from my mother because one or all of the 5 men who brutally raped her passed HIV onto her.

Real WorldStarving African in war-torn country
Pretty white girl with straight hair

It’s not even a cute blouse.

Gossip GirlPretty white girl with straight hair

Then I get banned from Hollywood for keeping it real.

They live longer, but at a price

A woman’s average lifespan is a few years higher than a man’s. The tradeoff is pretty straightforward: They live longer but they need to bleed out of their vagina for a few days every month, and when it’s not happening that’s because a tiny person is going to come out of there instead.

Eventually this activity ceases, but by then most other activities in that region ceased anyway. Think of it like closing down an etiquette school in Hialeah.

OH YEAH MOTHERFUCKER, I WENT THERE.

Unfortunately, they’re still better

If there was a question on Jeopardy that said, “this gender is the better of the two” the answer would be, “what are women?” Funny thing too, because that answer is a damn good question everyone but one guy doesn’t know the answer to.

Which guy is that?

No, not Mel Gibson. The fictional character in a decent movie.

Being a man is like 487,391 times better than being a woman, but women are still the superior gender when all is said and done.

Why? I don’t know, but they’d win the argument in convincing us men that they are.

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5 Comments to A Lesson in Women

  1. S

    “What? Of course she’s fucking Colombian!”

    haha. Gotta love a Colombian 😉

    • If it wasn’t for the way you all speak, mood swings, and cocaine you’d be perfect.

  2. Pingback: Orlando
  3. S

    Wait, how do we “all” speak? Now, now, don’t generalize.

  4. DUDE! It’s SO true!! I lived with an Argentine-American girl who studied there for a bit and she told me that loads of girls’ parents got them implants and nose jobs when they were like 15, 16. Crazy! Your boobs aren’t even done growing yet!

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