Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Rice House of Kabob

[post_intro] [/post_intro]

I know what you’re thinking: “Terrorists!” Let me stop you right there. These guys are Persian, which only makes them terrorist-lite because they’re still in the Axis of Evil but haven’t actually done anything… yet.

…they’re still in the Axis of Evil…

I would’ve never come here if it wasn’t for my older sister who married an Iranian guy, possibly by choice, I don’t know if he purchased her from my father. If he did buy her I’m sure he got a hell of a deal because Persians are well-known for their haggling skills. It’s always “my friend” this and “my friend” that when they’re negotiating a price with a street merchant.

I am happy I tried this place though. It’s well worth the risk of being put on some kind of watch list where you’re afforded a completely free-of-charge cavity search every time you fly American Airlines. I came here recently since it’s near my parents’ house and I was on my way there when I ultimately decided against listening to my mom ask me when I was going to settle down with a nice girl. I figured I’d go eat elsewhere, that’s when I remembered this place. I don’t even recall what it is I ordered. All I know is I walked in, coughed, and thus inadvertently ordered in Farsi.

Yes, I just used a Hebrew word when discussing Persians.

To me, their rice is a little dry, but their meat was tasty. I don’t know what it is about Middle Eastern cuisine but every time I try their rice I’m disappointed in the lack of moisture contained within it. I guess the whole desert lifestyle thing rubs off on their food as well. The hummus was good, I made sure to order that because it’s their schtick. Yes, I just used a Hebrew word when discussing Persians. They sprinkle generous amounts of sumac on the rice. I was like, “hey lady, what the fuck is all this red shit on my rice?” I’m lying, I just Googled that when I got home. That word pisses me off, “sumac”, because I feel like it’s missing an “E” or something. That’s going to bug me all day, damn it.

The portions given to you are pretty huge. It’s almost like an Italian restaurant in that regard. Italians love giving you massive amounts of food unless you’re eating at an expensive restaurant in which case they try to give you as little as possible. Weird how that works. Spend $90 on a plate somewhere and they give you a flavored toothpick to eat, but go to La Nonna and spend $4 and you get bread, salad, and an entree big enough to have a displaced Rwandan say he can’t possibly eat all that.

With that said, the food here may not be that authentic and has a bit of a fast food feel to it (though it doesn’t come out that fast) but it’s still worth a taste. It’s relatively cheap, not as cheap as some shitball Dominican joint I found in downtown that sold me horse meat and enough rice to start my own UN mission for $4.22, but still cheap.

Give it a try, Allah commands you. Haha, I’m kidding, Allah doesn’t condone anything in America.


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