Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Kendall Ice Arena

[post_intro] [/post_intro]

If you wake up one morning thinking, “you know what, I’m in the mood to fall on my ass a couple of times while smelling rubber and feet for a few hours,” then boy do I have the place for you.

There are always wall spiders here.

I came here recently on a date [this was written a while ago, but I did come back with a friend recently, though that’s not what’s being cataloged here]. She couldn’t skate well and I ended up dragging her along like a kid at a supermarket. A sexy kid. A kid I’d like to f… uh, crap, that took a weird turn. There are always wall spiders here. Wall spiders being those people who, for some reason, probably on a dare, decide that at age 48 they need to try ice skating for the very first time after a life full of grounded friction. These people spend their time holding on to that wall like it’s made of Medicare. They fellate the shit out of that wall.

Skating counter-clockwise gets boring relatively quickly unless you’re training for the olympics or can only turn left like a Bizarro Derek Zoolander. I figured we would be there 10 minutes before she decided to make a snow cone from the ice I kept spraying on her pants and call it a day. Remarkably, we lasted much longer. Ice skating is, when you get right down to it, pretty fun. When we left, I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said “fresh” and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought nah, forget it, yo home to Bel-Air! I pulled up to a house about seven or eight and I yelled to the cabbie “yo homes, smell you later,” looked at my kingdom I was finally there to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.

You just got Bel-Aired. Continuing on my with review.

Hahahaha, what?

Yo homes, smell you later.

We spent the whole time holding hands because, as previously mentioned, I was required to drag her along making sure she didn’t chip her pretty little teeth on the ice in the event that one of those hooligans skating a bit too fast bumped into her. By the way, you know exactly who the douche bags likely to fuck up your skating are. They’re the assholes standing on a block of ice wearing a t-shirt. They usually also have a posse of similar 16-year-olds with them, at least one of which is a hoochie mama with excruciating amounts of lip-liner. Young ladies, when you paint your face, you’re not publishing a fucking coloring book. Relax with all that tracing.

They’re the assholes standing on a block of ice wearing a t-shirt.

These fucktards are fun to watch fall. My date and I started grading people’s falls onto the ice. Some were 3s to 5s at best, others were worthy of 8s and 9s. When a wall spider falls it’s the most glorious thing you can see at that place.

There are very few reasons why anyone should venture into Kendall. Hiding out from killer robots which were programmed specifically to stay away from Kendall is one, visiting the ice arena is the other.


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2 Comments to Kendall Ice Arena

  1. heygirlhey

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
    I just got bel-aired!

  2. S

    “Young ladies, when you paint your face, you’re not publishing a fucking coloring book. Relax with all that tracing”

    LMAO

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