Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

House of Frost

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HELLO, DIABETES! That’s how I’m going to greet diabetes when I inevitably get it. I eat more sugar than a fat, pregnant cockroach on Valentine’s Day. That metaphor doesn’t make sense to you? Well fuck you.

I eat more sugar than a fat, pregnant cockroach…

I should preface this storyview (it’s my word, a portmanteau of story and review) by stating that I have never set foot in this place. That’s right, I’ve never actually been to this place. My association with House of Frost is as follows:

Friend: “Try this cupcake.”

Me: “When can I try dat ass?”

Friend: “Ugh. Just try the damn cupcake.”

Me: *Trying the cupcake*

Friend: “Well?”

Me: “This is more awesome than reading through Craigslist casual encounter ads! Did you make these shits? Red velvet tastes like a Twilight book being burned.”

Friend: “I didn’t make them, they’re from this little place called House of Frost.”

Me: “Awesome find, but seriously, when can I tap dat ass?”

I went on unsuccessfully trying to “hit that” for a little while longer. Then I went online to look for this place and a few seconds of Googling provided me with a link to their web site. Due to the fact that I’ve never been to the store, I’m going to judge their store as being the web site. This is highly unfair of me, but it’s unfair that Twilight tops the motherfucking book sales charts anywhere you go — so tough shit.

…I didn’t know that we managed to thaw out a 1996 Geocities web designer from a block of ice…

I have obvious problems with the site right off the bat. First, I didn’t know that we managed to thaw out a 1996 Geocities web designer from a block of ice, and while I’m impressed at the technology allowing that to happen I’m upset that it didn’t make the headlines more prominently and I had to find out about it after eating a mini cupcake. Second, IS THAT PAPYRUS FONT? Jesus Christ on a cracker, it is! Third, IS THAT CURLZ FONT? Jesus Christ on a cracker with peanut butter spread, it is!

I know how this happened. Someone from House of Frost said they needed a web site. One person said, “I have a cousin/sister/friend good with computers!” The others agreed that it was brilliant, so Fulanita was given orders to make a web site. Fulanita fired up an illegal copy of Adobe Dreamweaver and went to town on that bad boy. The result is currently available for public consumption.

With that said, no lie, that was the best damn cupcake I’ve ever eaten in my life.

So where the hell is it?
Dude, I'm serious, I'll kill a bunny if you don't click this button »

2 Comments to House of Frost

  1. Dana D

    Speaking of websites, your background squares are repugnantly atrocious like polka dots. Attempts at masculinity through blue are masked by that creamy peach color. That color is intended only for assholes that drive around Hialeah in a 1975 stingray after getting a paint job in little Haiti.

    • The paint job was in Allapattah, but otherwise you nailed it.

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