Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.


[post_intro] [/post_intro]

I know why all you assholes give this place rave reviews. It’s because you’re all alcoholics. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about because just about all of you are guilty of this shit.

It’s either Denny’s or “that place you’ve heard about.”

You’re at Bardot right next door getting your drink and smoke on (by the way, I was there 4 weeks ago and there was a dude with a prominent Jewfro openly smoking a spliff, way to be subtle) then after your 6th vodka cranberry you and your rag-tag crew get hungry. It’s either Denny’s or “that place you’ve heard about.” Someone mentions how fulano ate there once and the day after won the lottery, so it must be awesome. You reluctantly agree and silently make fun of the blouse so-and-so is wearing. Then you end up at Gigi after passing 2 homeless men on the street and pretending you didn’t see them.

I came here this past weekend. We were at Grand Central along with Miami’s visiting Eurotrash population. My buddy was telling us he was hungry, and his girlfriend said something too but I couldn’t understand since she’s so close to the ground and I tower over her like the Colossus of Rhodes. I assume she said I looked really good in that jacket, or that she too was hungry.

What’s the Colossus of Rhodes?

Hahaha, he teabags boats.

We left, and like retards, took the woman’s advice in choosing what to eat. She’s all “blah blah blah blah Gigi blah blah blah women’s suffrage is bullshit blah blah” so to shut her up we went along with it.

First thing, they don’t serve tap water. I mean, they do, but they claim they don’t and that they instead only serve bottled. What. The. Fuck. You pay a dollar and they bring out an unmarked glass bottle, opened and with no trace of a cap, with water that coincidentally tastes exactly like tap water. What kind of bullshit is that? This ain’t Dubai, water isn’t some kind of rationed commodity in a city with more rainfall than Ke$ha has talent. That’s preposterous, I’m not down with that, and if I wasn’t as drunk as I was I would’ve proclaimed “madam, this is bullshit.”

They were small enough to have been made in an Easy Bake Oven.

The menu has some stuff that sounds pretty good, but in reality probably aren’t, just like rubbing your balls against a cheese grater. It sounds pretty enticing on paper, but if you’ve ever done it you probably quickly regret it soon after. I assume. I heard it on the — SHUT UP. My friend had tacos. Mind you, this is the dude that was hungry. When they arrived, there were two small tacos. Two. They were small enough to have been made in an Easy Bake Oven. His girlfriend and I had the same dish, some curry duck or whatever. The duck itself was bangin’. I’m serious, that shit was cash and I don’t think it’s just because I was “drunk as fuh.” The portion was as small as your average Botswanan’s life expectancy which was disappointing. It had a side which looked like rice pudding but tasted like ass pudding. I ate it all because “I paid for this shit”, and the alcohol.

I don’t understand it. This place isn’t awful, but I don’t think it merits the circlejerk people get into when it’s brought up. Every time I pass by here at night it looks like a boat coming into Ellis Island in the late 19th century with people spilling out the sides of it. Wait, that wasn’t relevant enough. Every time I pass by here at night it looks like a bunch of balseros spilling out of an old Chevy truck that has been retrofitted to be seaworthy.

So I don’t know, I guess if you’re really hungry and in the area when everything else is closed you should give it a shot. Otherwise, go to Wynwood Kitchen & Bar instead.

So where the hell is it?
  • 3470 N Miami Ave
  • Miami, FL 33127
  • (305) 573-1520
  • Gigi on Urbanspoon
Dude, I'm serious, I'll kill a bunny if you don't click this button »

7 Comments to Gigi

  1. wow. i went there two weekends ago and was really impressed. is this because i live in lauderdale and ‘good’ is the cheesecake factory?

    i will agree mildly with you. the water is indeed tap and if you sit at the counter like i did, you’ll see the waitstaff refiling bottles from said tap. which, i really don’t mind seeing as when i was a waitress i filled my water pitcher from a 5gallon pickle bucket (or the size of the industrial spackle you get at home depot) that prob was never washed EVER.

    Had the duck too. Agreed bangin status. Looks like your only beef was the portions…fatty 😉 jk. come on, when all the waitstaff are models what do you expect? this ain’t cheesecake!!

    • Aw come on, Court, don’t knock on Fort Lauderdale. It has its usefulness, like if you’re in the mood to have less fun than fighting a speeding ticket, or if you want to fly somewhere without having your genitals caressed by the TSA.

      What made you go with the duck? Was your thought process like mine where I was reminded of the “duck duck goose” game we played in our childhood? Childhood, who am I kidding, I still play that shit whenever I can find anyone willing.

      • rs

        hahaha. I laughed so hard I choked on my icewater. It’s so true about Broward!

  2. Agreed on Gigi being overrated. Some things are ok but nothing really makes me want to go back for more. I gotta disagree w/ you on Wynwood Kitchen & Bar. Pretty colors attract Miamians (Oooh, look! Graffiti! We’re in New York now!) but the menu and food suck, big time.

    • Admittedly, I haven’t really eaten at Wynwood Kitchen & Bar, just sort of nibbled once and drank another time. That’s why I’ve neglected to write about it. What place(s) do you suggest around the area? Keep in mind I’ll try anything including some old Puerto Rican’s house provided they allow me in.

      • Sustain and Sakaya Kitchen are 2 solid choices in that Midtown area. I’ve heard some good things about JimmyZ’s place but haven’t been and for some reason am not in a hurry to get there either.

  3. Jay

    Pretty funny review. Sakaya Kitchen and JimmyZ’ are both the shiz.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *