The back story here is she works with a friend and sent an email with a link to this site to my friend, and my friend told her she knows me and CC’d me on the email. So I replied.
I understand you had tears in your eyes from laughing so hard. I want you
to know it's completely normal and I'm used to it. Why, just this weekend
my mother had tears in her eyes as she told me she was proud of me while
laughing hysterically. She used air quotes when she said "proud," but I think
that's just something she saw Tina Fey use on television. She's a big Tina
Fey fan which is probably why she calls me at 3 AM every evening to ask me
why I couldn't be more like my older sister. My sister has a friend named
Tina, so I'm pretty sure that's where the connection is. Actually, she's not a
friend, she did my sister's mani-pedi one time. And her name was Bi'ch,
which means "jade" in Vietnamese, but everyone called her Tina because
she used a falsified Social Security number under that name and they
wanted to keep up appearances so she didn't get deported. Plus Bi'ch is a
Being able to read through the history of what culminated in me receiving
this message I have learned a few things. First, Alejandra says I'm a nice
guy. This is news to me, and it's also libel. I would think that working at a
law firm teaches you to avoid that, Alejandra. Or maybe you're aware of it
but know that you've got so many lawyers to back you up you can make
up whatever you want? That's cold. You're cold-blooded, I like that shit.
Second, you sent your original email out to an Alex ****. This means one
of three things: 1) You're two co-workers with coincidentally the same
weird-ass Dutch or Danish surname; 2) He is your relative. 3) He is your
Since you're clearly infatuated with me, it can't be number 3. Also, you
don't strike me as subscribing to nepotism (let alone being able to deal with
working with family) so it can't be 2. That leaves 1, which is a dumb choice
because it looks like your surname means "****" according to my limited
knowledge of West Germanic language I've gathered from straight-to-DVD
Jean Claude Van Damme movies, and it's silly to think that surname would
I mean, really now, he can't be your husband. The love you've professed to
me is clear. I got your coded message from your original e-mail:
"Ok, I was just informed about this blog caLled BOy Writes Miami.
This guy thinks like I do which is probably why I think his blog is one of the
funniest things I haVe evEr read. HIs sarcasM is at An aLltime high, and
his crudeness gets 2 thumbs up. I have nO idea who The hell this guy is,
but I instantly want to become his friend. He is out of control."
I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you.
Orlando, thank you for making me laugh so much. You are right, **** is a
weird ass Dutch name which according to my in-laws means "****." I scored
on the last name. Even better, I love when people see me and ask me if I am
Dutch. I don't look remotely Dutch. Its like asking an Indian person with the
last name Rosenberg if he/she is Israeli. Retarded.
Now, for the ultimate blog coverage- I have an idea for you. Urbandaddy
sent an email about a "cougar convention" being held in miami later this
month. I may have a heart attack from laughing so hard if you cover this
event. You should go. The cougars will love you.
Ok, talk soon Orlando. Keep up the great work.
From now on you're no longer Tanya to me. You are ****. Or I can call you
"****." Or just ****. Or ****. I'll go with ****. [Ed Note: It was hilarious, I
****, I'll do anything for you, and by anything I mean strictly go to the
cougar convention. Tell me where and when and I'll go sleep with a cougar
for an Xbox game. And I'll beat the game.
Ok, here are the details (I just realized that the event is tonight):
You may need to bring some of those cupcakes with you that you bought
from LA Cupcakes. Once you show these women a box of cupcakes, you
can seal the deal on the spot. Plus, the event is conveniently taking place
at the Embassy Suites.
I'm afraid that's a little too short notice for me. Unfortunately as of this
morning I'm in DC for a few days and lack the (useful, I'm betting)
superhuman ability to fly/run to Miami to get kneaded (on my penis, of
course) by a ferociously voracious cougar. I do know some Lybians selling
high-grade uranium, so I'll experiment with its effects if I rub it against my
If something great develops, I'll inform you immediately. If something
cancerous develops, my lawyer will inform you immediately.
in DC for a few days? how can you abandon miami? we need you here. the
cougar convention is happening as we speak.
let me know how the high-grade uranium works for you. should make for
an interesting story.
have a safe trip,
I took the uranium and now I am dead. Fuck.
Sent from my iPhone