Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

BWM Mailbag: Volume 1

Lots of bloggers and pseudo-writers have entries where they post emails they receive from readers. I’ve decided to do the same.

The most notable thing here is the complete lack of hate mail I’ve received. Shockingly, for a guy who compares things to the Holocaust and attributes the taste of sushi to the Rape of Nanking, I’ve yet to receive a single piece of hate mail. My only recourse is to play around with the responses I sent those who provide me with non-hate mail.

Without further ado, here are some messages I’ve received along with my replies. Hey, I’ve even changed the names to protect the innocent!

Karen. I love her but I’m not in love with her.

from	        Karen
to	        Me

Hi fellow blogger - LOVE your blog!
from	        Me
to	        Karen

Hi Karen,

And I love you.
from	        Karen
to	        Me

This is my usual self. If you say no, it's fine - most normal people get freaked
out by strangers asking them out for drinks. I don't, but hey, I'm strange like
that. So, want to go out for drinks? One fellow blogger to another one. 
from	        Me
to	        Karen

Hi Karen,

Well, this is awkward.

You see, when I told you I loved you, I meant it like how a drunk 15-year-old
boy at his first alcohol-fueled party would say it to total strangers. Then the
next morning he's thinking, "what the hell did I say last night?" Later he finds
YouTube videos of him talking to a corner lamp about mergers and
acquisitions in early 20th century conglomerate businesses.
from	        Karen
to	        Me

umm, wow, this is embarrassing. I really didn't mean anything by it, I just
enjoy meeting new people. 

Tanya. Friend of a friend.

The back story here is she works with a friend and sent an email with a link to this site to my friend, and my friend told her she knows me and CC’d me on the email. So I replied.

from	        Me
to	        Tanya

Hi Tanya,

I understand you had tears in your eyes from laughing so hard. I want you
to know it's completely normal and I'm used to it. Why, just this weekend
my mother had tears in her eyes as she told me she was proud of me while
laughing hysterically. She used air quotes when she said "proud," but I think
that's just something she saw Tina Fey use on television. She's a big Tina
Fey fan which is probably why she calls me at 3 AM every evening to ask me
why I couldn't be more like my older sister. My sister has a friend named
Tina, so I'm pretty sure that's where the connection is. Actually, she's not a
friend, she did my sister's mani-pedi one time. And her name was Bi'ch,
which means "jade" in Vietnamese, but everyone called her Tina because
she used a falsified Social Security number under that name and they
wanted to keep up appearances so she didn't get deported. Plus Bi'ch is a
terrible name.

Being able to read through the history of what culminated in me receiving
this message I have learned a few things. First, Alejandra says I'm a nice
guy. This is news to me, and it's also libel. I would think that working at a
law firm teaches you to avoid that, Alejandra. Or maybe you're aware of it
but know that you've got so many lawyers to back you up you can make
up whatever you want? That's cold. You're cold-blooded, I like that shit.

Second, you sent your original email out to an Alex ****. This means one
of three things: 1) You're two co-workers with coincidentally the same
weird-ass Dutch or Danish surname; 2) He is your relative. 3) He is your
husband.

Since you're clearly infatuated with me, it can't be number 3. Also, you
don't strike me as subscribing to nepotism (let alone being able to deal with
working with family) so it can't be 2. That leaves 1, which is a dumb choice
because it looks like your surname means "****" according to my limited
knowledge of West Germanic language I've gathered from straight-to-DVD
Jean Claude Van Damme movies, and it's silly to think that surname would
propagate.

I mean, really now, he can't be your husband. The love you've professed to
me is clear. I got your coded message from your original e-mail:

"Ok, I was just informed about this blog caLled BOy Writes Miami.
This guy thinks like I do which is probably why I think his blog is one of the
funniest things I haVe evEr read.  HIs sarcasM is at An aLltime high, and
his crudeness gets 2 thumbs up.  I have nO idea who The hell this guy is,
but I instantly want to become his friend.  He is out of control."

I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you.
from	        Tanya
to	        Me

Orlando, thank you for making me laugh so much. You are right, **** is a
weird ass Dutch name which according to my in-laws means "****." I scored
on the last name. Even better, I love when people see me and ask me if I am
Dutch. I don't look remotely Dutch. Its like asking an Indian person with the
last name Rosenberg if he/she is Israeli. Retarded.

Now, for the ultimate blog coverage- I have an idea for you. Urbandaddy
sent an email about a "cougar convention" being held in miami later this
month. I may have a heart attack from laughing so hard if you cover this
event. You should go. The cougars will love you.

Ok, talk soon Orlando. Keep up the great work. 
from	        Me
to	        Tanya

Hi Tanya,

From now on you're no longer Tanya to me. You are ****. Or I can call you
"****." Or just ****. Or ****. I'll go with ****. [Ed Note: It was hilarious, I
promise.]

****, I'll do anything for you, and by anything I mean strictly go to the
cougar convention. Tell me where and when and I'll go sleep with a cougar
for an Xbox game. And I'll beat the game.

For you.
from	        Tanya
to	        Me

Ok, here are the details (I just realized that the event is tonight):

[Link]

You may need to bring some of those cupcakes with you that you bought
from LA Cupcakes.  Once you show these women a box of cupcakes, you
can seal the deal on the spot.  Plus, the event is conveniently taking place
at the Embassy Suites.  
from	        Me
to	        Tanya

Hi Tanya,

I'm afraid that's a little too short notice for me. Unfortunately as of this
morning I'm in DC for a few days and lack the (useful, I'm betting)
superhuman ability to fly/run to Miami to get kneaded (on my penis, of
course) by a ferociously voracious cougar. I do know some Lybians selling
high-grade uranium, so I'll experiment with its effects if I rub it against my
thighs.

If something great develops, I'll inform you immediately. If something
cancerous develops, my lawyer will inform you immediately.
from	        Tanya
to	        Me

in DC for a few days? how can you abandon miami?  we need you here.  the
cougar convention is happening as we speak.
 
let me know how the high-grade uranium works for you.  should make for
an interesting story.
 
have a safe trip,
****
from	        Me
to	        Tanya

I took the uranium and now I am dead. Fuck.

Sent from my iPhone

Maria. Word counter.

from	        Maria
to	        Me

Came upon your website, and I love it. Kudos!

(Just a word of encouragement)
from	        Me
to	        Maria

Hi Maria,

Does anyone call you ****? I'm going to call you ****. Thank you for the nine
words of encouragement. I would've liked an even ten, but beggars can't be
choosers. On the other hand, I'm not begging, so I would demand you to
add one more word of encouragement to get things nice and uniform.

Thank you ****, I'm sure you'll be prompt. Also, I ask that you make sure
that 9th word fits in seamlessly with your sentence. And it can't be the
words, "I", "we", "me", "the", "and", "do", "not", or "microcosm."
from	        Maria
to	        Me

My kindergarten teacher Mrs. Meerman (way back when), and my mother
occasionally are the only ones who have called me "****". More power to you!

Just came upon your website, and I love it. Kudos!

10 words. Done :)
from	        Me
to	        Maria

Hi Maria,

Damn it.

Katie. She played along.

from	        Katie
to	        Me

I came across your blog on Thrillist and I just wanted to let you know I'm a
fan.  Your Yelp reviews are so funny they have passed the Three Wolf Moon
Shirt comments as my favorite reviews on the internet.  I'm also sending you
an email because I'm wondering if you have eaten at Michael's Genuine Food
& Drink.  A lot of Yelp users love the food, and three different chefs raved
about the desserts on Best Thing I Ever Ate on Food Network, so I'm
wondering if the place is worth the drive.  I live south of West Palm Beach,
so it's a little bit of a drive.  If you could review it for your site, I'd
appreciate it. Or you could write back that the food sucks.  Whatever floats
your boat.
from	        Me
to	        Katie

Hi Katie,

Thank you for being a fan. Here is an article on a South Korean urban
legend called "fan death": http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fan_death

Sure, it's about electric fans, but you didn't specify what sort of fan you are.
You may be a mechanical fan, or perhaps one of the ones Victorian ladies in
the 19th century used to keep their faces nice and cool. Either way, I found
it prudent to let you know what your brethren are [allegedly] up to these
days.

I have never eaten at Michael's Genuine Food & Drink, but I have shopped
at Michael's before. Most of their crafts are inedible, however if you have a
3rd world stomach constitution you may be able to handle some of the
water-based paints. From my understanding they are made in Thailand,
not China, so I'm assuming their lead content is a lot lower. Or not, I'm not
really sure, all those people in the Orient are the same to me. The only
show I've ever watched on Food Network was Rachel Ray's show because I
sort of have a thing for her. Yes, I'm aware she's chubby, but I don't think
there's anything wrong with that. She works with food all day. If she wasn't
a little chubby I would constantly doubt the deliciousness of her gourmet
and thus not watch her program.

I will check this place out and report back. Possibly this weekend.

Possibly.
from	        Katie
to	        Me

I'd like to think I'm like a http://tinyurl.com/2dd6ovw but I'm pretty sure
I'm more like http://tinyurl.com/2be4eyb.  Thank you for warning me
about Korea.  Those bastards have flown under my radar for too long.
It's apparently time to go rogue and become The Fan Hanger.  Again.
You scoff at fan death because I've been vigilant and kept America safe
but this is a problem that warrants serious attention and a golf tournament.

Michael's is good in a pinch, but I'm pretty sure this
http://tinyurl.com/23mjw74 will give you more than 5 cavities.  The Food
Network women are all annoying to listen to, but the half-assed half-cooked
food by alcoholic Sandra Lee are usually worth a good chuckle.  She buys
pre-made cookies, adds pre-made frosting and sprinkles and acts like she
made a souffle.  Really, she's just hurrying up to make an alcoholic drink so
strong that the smell alone will knock most people on their ass.  Supposedly,
she went to culinary school.  You can't tell from watching her show.  Rachael
was hot in FHM http://tinyurl.com/2e933fb, even though it was obviously
airbrushed.  Some people find the Barefoot Contessa sexy
http://tinyurl.com/2af5vce.  And you might want to check out the female
Guy Fieri http://tinyurl.com/2enztkf.  She loves to get her hands on a big
piece of meat.

Hope you enjoy Michael's.  Many mention making reservations and sitting
inside, unless you want 50 people smoking on top of you.  
from	        Me
to	        Katie

Hi Katie,

It's clear to me you like URLs that are tiny. And the Food Network.

I apologize, but I wasn't able to make it out to Michael's this weekend. The
female I'm currently trying to sex decided on a different place, and since I
wish to sex her I had to go along with this decision. You would be happy to
know that because of my decision I was able to sexually intercourse her, so I
thank you for your patience.

Maybe I'll be able to go there some time this week. Now when she says, "hey,
let's go to Buena Vista Bistro" I can say, "actually, wench, your vagina no
longer holds power over me" and suggest Michael's instead.

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