Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Original Pancake House

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Breakfast food is great because its core boils down to an amalgamation of enslaved and/or slaughtered farm animals. I would say “PETA, eat your hearts out,” but that’s useless since they can’t because they’re pussy vegans.

Denny’s has been slinging [shitty] pancakes since before minorities could even eat there…

I find the name of this place a bit deceptive. Denny’s has been slinging [shitty] pancakes since before minorities could even eat there, which I guess explains why Denny’s is by far the most racist family restaurant after “K.K. Karl’s Aryan Snack Shack”, which is humorously abbreviated to KKK’s ASS [citation needed]. Back to my point, Original Pancake House has a misleading name – it implies it’s the original. Unless, of course, instead of being “Original… Pancake House” it’s actually the “Original Pancake… House,” as in “we make pancakes that are original.” Either way it’s a crock.

There seems to always be an extraordinary line of people waiting to be seated. It looks like a Soviet bread line in ’83, minus the communist-led socialist clusterfuck. Once you manage to get seated you’re subjected to a slight bit of neglect since I guess they’re overwhelmed with the hungry human horde. The menu has quite a variety of items to choose from, including advertisements with busty Venezuelans. Seriously, Original Pancake House, ads? Am I looking at a restaurant’s menu or Perez Hilton’s shitty blog? I can’t believe I’m being sold car insurance while looking at crepes. My theory is they need the ad revenue on the grounds that they fucking close at like 2 p.m. They open for a total of 17 minutes. By the time they’re done firing up the stove they have to turn it off so they can clean it quickly enough to get home in time to watch their clocks strike 2:13 p.m. I don’t know why they do that. Is it because they want to stay true to their breakfast roots? Whatever, I don’t think I’ve ever eaten a pancake at IHOP before 4 o’clock, so they’re missing out on a huge “I don’t give a flying fuck what time it is” market.

His name also had an apostrophe in it, like if he was from Krypton.

One time I had a waiter who was cool because, he, spoke like, William, Shatner, when he played James, T., Kirk, on, Star Trek. I could figuratively hear the commas in my head. It was wonderful. His name also had an apostrophe in it, like if he was from Krypton. The amount of awesome he was sporting was too much.

I’ve had the pancakes, crepes, and waffles of many different varieties. Aside from the abortion that is the bacon pancake (it’s exactly what it sounds like) and the abject failure called the bacon waffle (awfulness) everything tasted great. Whoever thought throwing bacon bits in pancake batter was a good idea needs to be drugged and dropped off in North Korea wearing an Uncle Sam costume. It was a worse idea than electing Bush. It was a worse idea than the “Jump to Conclusions Mat.” It was a worse idea than electing Bush again. I only ordered it due to dude logic: “Dude, if I order the pancakes with the bacon I won’t have to order bacon and I’ll save money! It’s all going to go in my stomach anyway, who cares about the sequence at which it enters my face?”

My tongue cared.

A fan of pancakes? Then I suggest you make your way here, just make sure you bring a tent with you to camp outside while you wait to be seated.

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3 Comments to Original Pancake House

  1. Have you visited the one in Aventura? The franchiser is a model-car freak, and displays hundreds of them in cases all over the restaurant, from little palm-sizse to 3-footers. He owns one of the original batmobiles, which he uses to drive around in Westin where he lives. What this has to do with pancakes is mysterious, but it helps keeps the hordes of young diners quieter while waiting for the slow service to happen.

    • I haven’t, mostly because I fear that any breakfast place in Aventura wouldn’t serve ham, pork, or bacon on account of all the Jews.

  2. Actually, I made a mistake: the place I’m thinking of is a pancake house in Hollywood, probably not even in the same chain. Sorry. Brain fart.

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