Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Music Which Unfortunately Exists

Once a person reaches a certain age, they start complaining more about the crap the upcoming generation is listening to. In my case, I do a lot of complaining about what my current generation listens to. Because my generation listens to horse shit.

Lil’ Wayne, Pitbull, Ke$ha, LMFAO (no, I wasn’t laughing, that’s the name of a real group) — all artists that shouldn’t be anywhere near a microphone. I mean it. If I were putting together an album called “Holocaust: The Soundtrack” it would feature all those people I just mentioned, plus an intro by Sean Paul. It would be produced by Timbaland on P Diddy’s label. Calling them an atrocity to music is me being lenient.

But I digress. I want to talk about what can be considered the worst songs around right now. A recent Reddit thread outlined some very, very terrible music and out of those I chose what my ears felt were ripe for reproach. Some of these you may not have heard of, some you have, some just seem like a joke. Let’s get started.

Brokencyde: Freaxxx

Here is a list of things I hate: Auto-tune, stupid lyrics, unnecessary screaming, posers, and when you put on fresh socks and accidentally step on a few drops of water on the floor just before you put your shoes on. This video above by a barbarically criminal music group called Brokencyde has 4 out of 5 from my “most hated” list.

I don’t know where these assholes came from or why Zeus saw fit to allow their existence, but each time I hear that little frosted-haired prick yell “yeeooooowwwwwwwwwwww” I want to molest a rhino. Is there a need for auto-tune in that? No. Is musicality paramount to those young men who are creating music? No. Is “let’s get freaky now” something that describes the narrative of the human condition? Maybe, but there’s gotta be a better way to say that.

Crunkcore is the hellish merging of crunk hip hop and screamo emo bullshit. Somehow, somewhere, some people decided it needed to be a thing, so they went ahead and defied sensibilities and put that together. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive them. Claude Debussy would be rolling in his grave because deep down he knows that his innovative pieces set 20th century music on its way which lead up to this, the early part of 21st century loud noises over the radio.

Mini Daddy: El Niño Más Bonito

Mini Daddy is Pitbull’s second biggest mistake. Pitbull’s first mistake was being. Mini Daddy’s role model is Pitbull, which is beyond stupid, but what the hell else can you expect from a little Mexican. This little reggaetonka-truck player burst into YouTube with more inappropriate crotch-grab gestures than Michael Jackson with crabs. Seriously, what’s with “hard” rappers holding their dicks while performing these days? Are they trying to draw attention to it? If that’s the case, wearing baggy pants is probably the worst way to showcase your bulge. Wear some tight ass pants like they did in the disco era since everyone knows the 70s featured more Wangs than an MIT engineering course.

Reggaeton in itself is already one of the worst genres of music around. I would rather listen to Flo Rida sing a country duet with Dolly Parton’s left tit for 45 minutes than to try and tolerate reggaeton. It’s not just a terrible style of music, it’s Latin America’s answer to rap, and it’s fucking everywhere. That’s also what goes on on the dance floor; fucking… everywhere. Less grinding goes on in the X-Games than on a reggaeton dance floor.

Mini Daddy may seem like a joke and too shitty to take off, but that little fucker gets a lot of views on his YouTube channel. Remember, Bieber was discovered on YouTube. Look at him now.

Ke$ha: We R Who We R

Ke$ha is like a less talented, sluttier, toned down version of Lady Gaga. I figure she sat around thinking, “I have no actual talent, but how can I rip off Lady Gaga and wear stupid shit that looks like the Derelict campaign from the movie Zoolander?” I’d say she accomplished her mission pretty damn well, and now I’m pretty sure she’s a millionaire so good for her. Let me take the time the clear that up, I’m in no way bitter that people like her put out garbage and make millions, I honestly respect the hell out of it because they managed to make a shit ton of money with marginal ability by duping the American people into thinking what they’re doing has a shred of integrity.

I do hate the fact that I think she’s hot though. Fuck, for real, I can’t understand why I’m sexually attracted to this chick, but every time I see one of her music videos I start fantasizing about angry fucking her in the bathroom of a Delta Airlines 757, after muting the sound from the music video of course.

The biggest problem with her is how utterly stupid her lyrics are and how overly produced everything she does is. These days mainstream music is more about the image than the sound. Go to a concert today and it’s all about what sort of visual spectacle they can create. If Lady Gaga isn’t slowly brought down in a bright red piano covered in marshmallows while 14 dancers in clown costumes grill a steak atop a barbecue that looks like a horizontal wall urinal then it’s considered a failure. It’s supposed to be a music show, not a Broadway play. But fine, I understand the evolution of music and how it’s good to involve the other senses. These days they want to bring the visual elements into the mix, and that’s a natural progression. Just don’t sacrifice the quality of the music to do it. “Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy” shouldn’t open one of your songs, asshole.

Willow Smith: Whip My Hair

I hate doing this, because Willow Smith is so adorable. She’s as adorable as a kitten riding a puppy. But holy fuck is that song annoying. I remember my little sister showed me this song for the first time about two months ago and I hated every second of it. It made me want to whip my fucking hair back and forth against a concrete wall.

Over-produced nonsense like this is not cool. It isn’t. Stop it. When you repeat a line eight times consecutively just to take up space it serves no purpose but to annoy. When you repeat a line eight times consecutively just to take up space it serves no purpose but to annoy. When you repeat a line eight times consecutively just to take up space it serves no purpose but to annoy. When you repeat a line eight times consecutively just to take up space it serves no purpose but to annoy. When you repeat a line eight times consecutively just to take up space it serves no purpose but to annoy. When you repeat a line eight times consecutively just to take up space it serves no purpose but to annoy. When you repeat a line eight times consecutively just to take up space it serves no purpose but to annoy. When you repeat a line eight times consecutively just to take up space it serves no purpose but to annoy.

See? You got fed up on that shit by the second time. Unacceptable.

Damn, that felt good to get off my chest. I bet you’ll feel better when you get those songs off your playlists.

Bonus: Why Auto-tune Hurts.

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10 Comments to Music Which Unfortunately Exists

  1. s

    I laughed A LOT. This is great.

  2. Pingback: Orlando
  3. Dana D

    I cried, a lot.

  4. Thanks for introducing me to some music to avoid like plague. Excellent job.

  5. rob c

    ah, reggaemierda. god i hate that shit. its music for the moronic masses.

  6. So #$%&^-ing true!!!

  7. Bellpepperadict

    My ears are bleeding. The little fat kid knida reminded me of my little cousin who not only looks like him but is OBSESSED with Justin B00ber. But find the will to stop being attracted to Kesha (I didn’t feel like writing a dollar sign).

  8. F-Love

    Hilarious! But now I’m curious to know what you consider waking up to in the morning…

    • Well, for one thing, he’s now known as just Diddy.

  9. caro

    how about rebecca black…… LOL

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