Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

La Nonna

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Don’t assume that the photo I used on this entry is from La Nonna. That’s almost always the case, but not this time. You see, this place is so damn cheap and backwards it lacks a web site. What’s more, there seems to be zero photographic evidence that this place exists anywhere online. I tried using Google Streetview to snap a photo because I can’t be bothered to drive there until the next time I get a craving for cheap Italian. I decided to just steal a cool looking pizza image from someone else’s blog.

Italian restaurants come in only two shitty flavors: Bombastic Eurotrash glitz; or low-rent mob style. La Nonna is the latter, and on welfare.

I love both though.

La Nonna is the latter, and on welfare.

Italian food is awesome, for real, because similar to Mexican food they have like four ingredients which they reorganize into a brand new plate with its own set of gastric attributes. Generally I only like Italian restaurants run by Italians, so Macaroni Grill, The Olive Garden, and Carrabba’s are completely out of the question. Carrabba’s is sort of an exception because if the commercials are to be believed it’s owned by a fat guy (always trust fat guys with food) who looks like Rob Reiner and some Jersey guido Jose Canseco-looking motherfucker with a southern accent. I’m not kidding, that guy looks like Jose Canseco.

At La Nonna you get the authentic Miami Italian restaurant treatment; a bunch of Nicaraguans reciting the menu to you in Spanish. I don’t know if they do this anymore, but I remember a few years back they would have little “shows” in a corner of the restaurant where some dude would show you how to make certain dishes in the little makeshift kitchen they put together for that sort of thing. It’s like Benihana without all the tricks and qualified chefs.

The food, on the other hand, is great. It’s cheap as hell, greasier than just about any Italian food anywhere else on Earth, but it tastes good. I usually get the same dish, the “petti di pollo alla pizzaiola” which translates to, “chicken, the most acidic tomatoes in the northern hemisphere, enough oregano to fool a pot dealer, and overly cooked pasta.” But like I said, it’s great. I’ve never been a fan of chicken parmesan, however I’ve seen it served on various occasions and it looks like a KFC double down thrown on top of microwaved ramen noodles.

If you’re dining at a restaurant that has plastic table covers, you can probably cover the bill with the change you keep in your car for meters.

Presentation is not their strong point. If you’re dining at a restaurant that has plastic table covers, you can probably cover the bill with the change you keep in your car for meters. The food presentation isn’t any better. Wanna know how to simulate this at home?

Step 1) Buy a Lean Cuisine at Publix. Get one with pasta.

Step 2) Take it home and follow the microwave instructions on the back.

Step 3) Watch a funny YouTube video while you wait for it to cook. I suggest searching for “auto tune” + various situations.

Step 4) Take it out of the microwave, grab a plate, and quickly flip the tray over the plate. Voila, La Nonna presentation.

I need to reiterate though, the food IS tasty, and that’s all that really matters when you’re paying in fuckin’ Canadian coins.


So where the hell is it?
  • 117 SW 107th Ave
  • Miami, FL 33174
  • (305) 228-4900
  • No web site. They are cheap.
  • La Nonna Italian on Urbanspoon
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