Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

JetBlue Airways

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JetBlue is the shit.

They don’t fly to Miami International Airport (MIA), but they fly out of Fort Lauderdale/Hollywood International (FLL) which I guess is good enough. FLL is like Canada whereas MIA is the United States. MIA is larger, has more money, more military personnel, more terrorist scares, fatter people, more inbound and outbound flights, more cargo, and more airlines. FLL, on the other hand, is a more relaxed experience and usually cheaper. Also, I’ve never had my balls fondled by TSA at FLL.

I’ve seen instruction booklets on AA flights that were written in Old English.

The first thing I noticed once I got in my JetBlue plane is that they used Embraer jets. Embraer is the 3rd or 4th (depending on how you qualify it) top commercial aircraft company in the world (shared with Bombardier.) I’m thinking, fuck yeah, fight the power. Then I remember they’re doing it because JetBlue is a value airline and Brazilian jets are cheaper than American or European counterparts. That’s cool, I don’t mind supporting the little guy. The little $18.5 billion in revenue guy. The plus side is these jets they use tend to be newer than the Boeing jets from 1976 that American Airlines uses. I’ve seen instruction booklets on AA flights that were written in Old English.

The second thing I noticed is some lady’s ass as she was stowing shit in her overhead bin. I’m talking quality Ukranian ass (I saw her passport), and her boyfriend/husband was unattractive meaning he has a lot of money. I want a sexy eastern European blond girl that doesn’t really love me but all my friends are jealous that I have her. Where can I get one of those? Hallandale?

The third thing was that I fit in the seats. At just about 6’3″, airlines like AA make me check my legs in with my baggage or buy them an extra seat. It’s bullshit. And if I ask for an emergency exit row seat they expect me to not trample over everyone and scream “we’re all gonna die!!!!!!!” when an emergency arises. JetBlue gives me ample legroom, and even though I happened to be on a short flight this time it was still appreciated.

…very useful if you’re a terrorist planning on bringing that shit down.

Next, each seat has its own private television with DirecTV. If you’re flying internationally, you’re bound to lose the satellite signal though, which I don’t see how since the satellite is in motherfucking outer space. If you do lose signal, that’s fine, they’ve got a couple of shitty movies playing in a few video channels. There’s also this GPS tracking channel that shows you the location of your plane which is very useful if you’re a terrorist planning on bringing that shit down. It’s meant for neurotic people that need to know exactly how long until you land even though the captain explained the duration of the flight and some simple arithmetic will get you the result. Still, terrorists definitely make use of it. Terrorists don’t fly value airlines though, that shit raises flags.

Finally, the snacks. Snacks aren’t really anyone’s talking points when they just dropped a few hundred dollars to sit on a flying chair in a metal box. But JetBlue gave me free beer. American Airlines makes you write a check and swear on a bible for a fucking Miller Lite, but JetBlue hooked me up with a Presidente at no charge and the stewardess gave me a high five. I didn’t even ask for it, she just gave that shit to me. I also grabbed a bag of chips, animal crackers, and chocolate chip cookies because she said “help yourself” when she carried the basket around. “Help yourself” is code for “I don’t get paid enough to police your activities.”

I had never flown JetBlue before this because my last experience with a value airline (Spirit) made me hate human beings. On Spirit, there was water leaking on me. WATER. LEAKING. When Wile E. Coyote strapped himself to a rocket he had a better flight experience than most people on Spirit.

I’m going to fly JetBlue every chance I get.


So where the hell is it?
  • 100 Aviation Blvd
  • Fort Lauderdale, FL 33315
  • jetblue.com
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