Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Buena Vista Bistro

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Tiny places like this is what Miami needs more of instead of gimmicky burger + beer houses. We get it, burgers and beer are a great combination, now tell Burger King to get out of that game because Miller Lite and Whoppers are the bottom of the barrel when it comes to either of those things.

…the less I spend on eating out the more I can spend on eating out…

Tasty bistros inspire me to do great things, like Genghis Khan without all the raping, or Shaquille O’Neal without all the rapping, or Kobe Bryant without all the raping and rapping. I like the small, cozy atmosphere and their personal take on dishes, not to mention little spots like these tend to be on the cheap. I’m not broke or anything, but the less I spend on eating out the more I can spend on eating out if you know what I mean. I meant oral sex on female genitalia.

I’m still unclear, what did you mean by ‘eating out’?

This was the first result when Google Imaging “eating out.” I wonder what the movie is about.

Its location is in the douchie artist zone, just north of the Design District. Design District is cop code for “about two blocks from the ghetto, so stay sharp and set your car alarms.” Seriously, you see some nice looking quaint houses right around here. They look like pretty affluent people live there with their decent cars and retirement plans. However, the moment you move two blocks west and cross Miami Avenue your car ends up on bricks, even while you’re driving. I briefly dated a girl that lived around the nicer part of the ghetto surrounding area (and coincidentally worked in Buena Vista Bistro), and there was a dude named Tonio living near her. Not Antonio, not Tony; Tonio.

I give the ghetto a lot of shit, but to be honest I’m more afraid of nice areas than I am of the shitty ones. I’ve had my car broken into about 5 times and the majority occurred in safe little whitewashed suburbs. Who gets their window smashed and their GPS that was completely concealed inside his glove compartment jacked in the nice part of Coral Springs? I do. What about a window smashed and a phone charger (what an asshole) stolen in Pinecrest? Me. I don’t even lock my car anymore, fuck it, the stuff inside the car is worth a lot less than the cost of repairing the window.

I think they give these crabs heroine for a month…

The bistro. I don’t need to tell you about how good the food is. Well, I mean, I do need to tell you, because this is a restaurant review and I’ve been talking about fellatio and ghetto areas the whole time. I had a crab cake and it made me want to go out and convert orthodox Jews to Christianity so they can try that shit without the wrath of Yahweh or their Jewier accountants. I think they give these crabs heroine for a month before killing them because the crabs’ happiness upon being killed and cooked rubbed off on my tongue.

I’ve also had the sweet and sour tuna, and while it’s as sweet as finding out that creepy dude that used to teach music classes in your elementary school is in prison for pedophilia, I’m going to have to call bullshit on the sour component. It’s not as sour as you think it is, François, so give a ring to a Chinaman so he can show you how to sour up a sauce, mon amie.

I want to try brunch here. I’ve been told it’s great but I’ve never arrived early enough to make it. I almost did once, but I have no regrets, because that’s the day I discovered Le Café.

So yeah dude, go there, and don’t lock your vehicle. I just saved you $180, you’re welcome.


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2 Comments to Buena Vista Bistro

  1. your teacher

    Tiny places like this ARE…. third person plural, bro.

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