Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Barton G the Restaurant

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Barton G was founded by Kenny G’s younger, straighter brother. Actually, I don’t know if that’s true. Barton may be gayer than Kenny, I would need someone with keen gaydar to assess the situation for me. He’s definitely more eccentric.

This is a restaurant that serves art pieces with a side of food.

This is a restaurant that serves art pieces with a side of food. They stick all their shit in oddly-shaped containers like a toaster (yes, a toaster) for your lobster pop tarts (yes, pop tarts with lobster in it) or a popcorn box for your popcorn shrimp. The dipping sauce for that shrimp is probably the best tasting thing besides Sofia Vergara’s behind-the-knees sweat. No, I’ve never tried Ms. Vergara’s knee sweat but I’m willing to bet whatever measly inheritance I get from my broke-ass grandparents that it tastes wonderful.

Like any Miami Beach restaurant, the parking situation is generally dodgy. You’ve got your choice of meters or paying some asshole to adjust your seat and mirrors. I guess because of where it’s situated you may be able to find metered parking easily depending on the time and day you’re there, but if you’re on a date you’re probably not there on a Wednesday at 3pm.

As is usually the case when I’m at a restaurant that frowns upon children, I was on a date. In this case, on a double date. Indeed, I was on a date with one girl in one side of the restaurant, and another girl on the other side. I had to keep going to the restroom and changing out my jacket and putting on my François mustache. That’s what double date should really mean. What would that be called anyway? “Stupid”?

…the girl he was with was a pube away from anorexia…

So we order popcorn shrimp and lobster pop tarts as appetizers. The presentation was the shit, I think I covered that. My buddy and his date barely even nibbled on the apps because the girl he was with was a pube away from anorexia and I guess he was saving himself for his entree. My date, on the other hand, ate like a raccoon after a dentist’s appointment. OK, that reference might be a little odd, but think about the last time you went to the dentist, and then think about how fucking hungry you were right afterward. Maybe it’s just me, but I could eat a horse that just ate a fat horse after I’ve been to the dentist, probably to wreck all the work they just did.

We sat outside and it all looks very nice. This place is a little pricey, but I have to say that for what you get it’s pretty worth it. It looks like it could be more expensive than it is, so if you’re ballin’ on a budget this is a good place to make it look like you’ve got 24% more net-worth than you really do.

I had the swordfish along with a sword. Yeah, it came with a sword. More like a fencing foil, but that shit is still a sword so wussup? Fucking crazy ass presentation. I think by the time you’re done with your meal your table looks like an Art Basel display. Then the bill comes out and it’s like you’re buying that $6,000 art piece.

The presentation is better than the taste though. I’m not saying the food is bad, I’m just saying there’s a disconnect between the quality of artistry and culinary prowess. I guess as a customer you need to decide what’s more important to you: Taste or view? If you’re all about taste, perhaps you should consider a place that doesn’t spend 15 minutes meticulously skewering vegetables with D’Artagnon’s rapier.

At the end of it all, it’s still a good experience. Plus, bitches be lovin’ the presentation, so bring your girl on a date here.


So where the hell is it?
  • 1427 West Ave
  • Miami Beach, FL 33139
  • (305) 672-8881
  • bartong.com
  • Barton G. The Restaurant on Urbanspoon
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