This brand new segment can be interpreted as “reviews of movies that are terrible” or “a terrible review of a movie.” I’ll leave that one up to you.
I decided to kick it off by reviewing what has got to be the worst movie ever made. No, not My Bigger, Fatter, Greeker Wedding. I’m talking about a movie which you probably haven’t heard of unless you’re a veteran internet user.
At this point it’s understandable that you have other movies in mind which you deem the worst movie ever made. It’s cool, I get it, but you’re wrong. Before we proceed with the review I’ll let you have a little taste of the atrocious acting in this movie.
How bad is the acting in this film?
Are you with me now? Good. Let’s move on.
Tommy Wiseau, the genius behind this cinematic rape of sensibilities, insists this is a comedy. It’s interesting, because nothing in the plot suggests it, nor are there any jokes or situations where any sort of humor should emerge. Instead, it reeks of attempted dramatics, which is ironically where the comedy arises.
Johnny, a banker, is engaged to Lisa, an unfortunate-looking blonde intended to be the piece-of-ass in this film.
What does the main trio look like?
It turns out Lisa is a bit of a manipulative cunt. Mark is Johnny’s best friend who ends up in Lisa’s cunty manipulations, and by that I mean fucking her. Then there’s Denny, a random-ass orphan kid also in love with Lisa the cunt, and has what appears to be Asperger’s, or just a terrible actor. Then finally Claudette, Lisa’s mom, who seems to be the most unnecessary character of them all.
Lisa admits to Claudette that she doesn’t feel as if she loves Johnny anymore, starts cheating on him by seducing Mark, and Mark keeps it a secret from Johnny until further into the film when all is exposed and Johnny kills himself. It’s like a Mexican soap opera minus the good acting.
This is where the comedy arises. If the acting were any better, this movie would be unwatchable due to its terrible writing and clichéd plot. However, the acting is so immeasurably repugnant I have to go ahead and suggest you watch it.
First off, Tommy Wiseau has an accent. This wouldn’t be a problem if you could understand what he was saying, but so often he says things that the viewer can easily misinterpret. It’s like George W. Bush speaking Spanish proverbs. To make matters worse, he dubbed most (if not all) of his lines in the movie terribly. It ends up looking like a 1970s kung-fu flick where the characters are moving their mouth one way and the English dubs are overlaid making it look ridiculous.
What do you mean he dubbed his voice?
Wiseau is terrible, but let’s not let the others off the hook so easily. The dude who plays Mark phones his shit in like he lost a bet. Check out this hardcore scene between two best friends.
You’re saying it gets even worse?
The best actor is the woman playing Lisa. Saying she’s the best actress in this movie is like saying she’s the best interior decorator at a school for the blind.
Can I get a glimpse of her acting chops?
But back to Wiseau for a second. There’s a scene where he smashes a room to pieces, and in something like that you can’t possibly expect anyone to fuck it up. Faking anger and throwing things has to be the easiest bit of acting anyone can do. Just think about the 2010 midterm elections and you’ve got yourself some rage material to work with. Unfortunately, Wiseau manages to fuck that up too.
What would a raging sleepwalker look like?
The sex scenes
Have you ever been watching an episode of Dancing With the Stars and midway through a dance number between Tony Danza and some blonde chick you think, “man, a sex scene would really make this act a lot better.” No, right? Well, that’s how The Room decided to toy with movie production. It was like awkward softcore porn interlaced with goofiness.
I don’t believe you. How can a sex scene possibly suck?
The breast cancer
Early in the film, Claudette talks to Lisa about planning a party for Johnny and mentions some inconsequential shit about real estate. Out of the blue, she nonchalantly says she’s got breast cancer. Then it’s never brought up again.
That’s right, she says she has cancer, then it’s never brought up again. No one mentions it, it doesn’t shape the story or characters in any way, and it happens near the beginning. I’m not saying make the film about cancer, but shit, a subplot maybe? Have her acknowledge it down the line? Fuck!
I think the worst part is the ending. No one should ever ends things so abruptly.