Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Santa’s Enchanted Forest

I’ve been to Santa’s Enchanted Forest which by transitive property means I’ve been to Nicaragua. In all fairness, I haven’t been there in a few years because my socioeconomic status has vastly improved since then, but something tells me the demographics haven’t changed all that much.

Santa’s is like an above-ground pool in the ghetto.

Santa’s is like an above-ground pool in the ghetto. It goes maybe 3 feet deep, there’s no chlorine in it so there’s mosquitoes and shit laying eggs all over the stagnant water, and you’ve got the O.G. in there day and night with a cigar in his mouth hollering at all the hood rats that walk by. Plus it’s way over capacity and too many little kids are fucking everything up.

What does a ghetto pool look like?

Knock it all you want, there’s a lifeguard on duty. Safety first.

The greatest thing about it is the snacks. I love me some elephant ears. Some people think it’s just a funnel cake without the funneling action so you can get that in a lot of places, and while they may be right in theory, they’re missing the key ingredients added in Santa’s. You can’t make tasty elephant ears without reusing the same oil you’ve been using since your traveling carnival started decades ago, and infusing it with the essence of carnies lacking ambition gives it the sweet diabetic kick start I enjoy.

…the mirrors are so fucking dirty you never get confused…

The attire for this place is typically what you would expect for a winter-themed recreational park; t-shirts, shorts, sometimes skorts worn by trendy 8-year-olds, that sort of thing. The last time I saw a sweater being worn in this park Clinton was president, and it was around someone’s waist. Since I haven’t been there lately I don’t know if this is still protocol, but you used to be able to get in free by taking like 10 empty bags of Holsum bread. Or Pepsi cans. That was good stuff. Now I’m sure they charge you like $40 to walk through a house of mirrors where the mirrors are so fucking dirty you never get confused as to how to make your way out of it.

Oh, and that jingle they play over the radio all the time? “Santaaaaaa’s Enchanted Foreeeeeest” and then some hype girl gives the address only to repeat the chorus. The only way it could get worse is if they let T-Pain auto-tune it.

The rides are typical carnival fare. About half as enjoyable as the Youth Fair rides, about half as safe. Oversight would be nice. Trusting a dude with missing teeth to verify the structural integrity of a metal rotating machine designed by Belgians in 1972 isn’t at the top of my to-do list. I find it strange that nowadays parents won’t let their kids play outside in a safe neighborhood unsupervised but they let them board a redneck death box with Cletus duct taping a safety panel.

But, I mean, if you really like carnivals…


So where the hell is it?
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5 Comments to Santa’s Enchanted Forest

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  2. s

    lmao

  3. Emily Jones

    Thank you for opening my eyes.

  4. Pingback: Tyler Sminkey

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