Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Sam Ash Music

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Sam Ash is like Best Buy for dudes who have tattoos and can’t read music. Over the years, I’ve amassed a respectable amount of knowledge, but within it there are a couple of irrefutable universal absolute FACTS:

1) The entropy of an isolated macroscopic system never decreases.

2) Different tastes can be detected on all parts of the tongue by taste buds. The tongue map is a myth.

3) Eli Whitney didn’t invent the cotton gin. I JUST BLEW YOUR FUCKING MIND.

4) There is always at least one long-haired dude working at Sam Ash. Always.

Whenever you walk into Sam Ash it’s a good bet that at least half the customers are in a shitty band.

Whenever you walk into Sam Ash it’s a good bet that at least half the customers are in a shitty band. The other half are comprised of people who are going to spend a couple hundred dollars on an instrument they want to learn but never do, high school band nerds, parents buying their young child an instrument they’re going to force them to take lessons on so they can brag to their friends about how their daughter can play Bach’s Minuet in G on the violin, true musicians, and of course people walking into the mall to get to Churro Mania who used the Sam Ash entrance out of convenience.

I’m a piano player, so I tend to hang out in the keyboard/digital piano section on the northwest wing of this particular location. That’s also where the sheet music is, my general stop. Since most people that shop at Sam Ash can’t/won’t fucking read music because it doesn’t take much to Google some guitar tabs for the latest Justin Bieber hit, the sheet music section is usually vacant. I’ve seen tumbleweed sway across anything with Chopin or Dvorák written on it. And I’ve seen weed on anything with Jimi Hendrix or Nirvana written on it. Funny how things work out.

One problem with hanging around the piano section is you’ll hear the same damn songs played half-assed on the demo keyboards. It’s always one of two songs: Für Elise (aka the one that goes “da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da”) or The Entertainer. That’s it. Always. It’s a shame, because I really like Für Elise when it’s played properly, but I’m sure if you spend more than seven minutes near those pianos you’ll hate your life and wish you were as deaf as Beethoven. Relevant humor? Check.

The staff here are just about the most pretentious dudes who live with their parents and think their “band is going to make it” you’ll ever find. I think the pre-requisites for working at Sam Ash are straightforward and outlined in your application.

1) Do you have long hair?

2) Are you in a band?

3) Do you have tattoos?

4) Is Motley Crüe the shit?

5) Death Metal or DEATH METAL?

6) Are you good at not helping people and pretending they’re not around?

Having the qualifications to work at Sam Ash are the same as the qualifications for working in a small pet store sweeping stuff up.

They don’t take to haggling as well as Guitar Center does…

The store is huge though, and their selection of instruments and accessories are unmatched as far as walk-in shops go. They don’t take to haggling as well as Guitar Center does (you can talk them down to 15% off sometimes) but occasionally you’ll get a guy that just broke up with his girlfriend and doesn’t care about fudging the numbers a bit if you’re shopping alongside a girl with a rack that won’t quit.

If you don’t have the internet or patience to wait for stuff you ordered online, don’t like being helped by friendly staff, or don’t have directions to the nearest Guitar Center, Sam Ash is worth it.

So where the hell is it?
  • 11401 NW 12 St
  • Miami, FL 33172
  • (305) 754-6551
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1 Comment to Sam Ash Music

  1. the_expendable

    At times, I go to Sam Ash because it’s on my way home from work just to look at equipment. I then pass by Guitar Center on the weekend to check out prices and make my purchases…

    That place really is run by a bunch of emo-“artistic”-recently broken-up douche bags that don’t give a crap about the customers, store, basically anything that has a pulse.

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