Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

P.F. Chang’s China Bistro

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I generally don’t look forward to eating at chain restaurants because the food is as depressing as a fetus smoking a cigarette, but I’ve heard some good things about the Mongolian beef in specific. Chinese food — the westernized version sans fish heads and canine meat — is the next best thing to drinking Guinness out of a glass that was so much as looked at by someone who knows someone who went to school with a friend of Sofia Vergara.

The parking situation in downtown is as you would expect it to be.

I’m going to refer to this place as “Chang” from now on, even though it sounds slightly racist and condescending to do so. It’s like how a white guy from Missouri will say “Paco” when trying to get the attention of the Mexican busboy at the local Fuddruckers.

This particular Chang is situated in Mary Brickell Village, the night time Miami hotspot for people who aren’t particularly into the clubbing scene but are very much into promiscuous sex. My best friend and I were looking for a place to eat before we commenced in a bout of blatantly hitting on women while we don our fake accents and pretend we’re powerful businessmen from… I don’t know, I wanna say Chile? There’s a Santiago in just about every Spanish-speaking country, let them draw their own conclusions. The parking situation in downtown is as you would expect it to be. You either park a few blocks away from your target location and hope the particular parking slip machine you’re near is actually accepting debit/credit cards today, park in a garage for the cost of 1 credit hour at FIU, or pay a valet in sacrificed virgin remains to take a joyride in your car while you think you’re a genius when you hand him the valet key presuming he’s dumb enough to overlook the fact that he can pop the trunk with the brightly lit button on the left side of your seat. I take my forged parking ticket approach. Works every time.

Upon reading the menu I found the Mongolian beef which was labeled as “our signature dish.” I ordered one of those and said “give it to me communist-free.” He didn’t really get it, on the other hand I can’t just assume everyone watches FOX “News.” I didn’t have a beer because I have this thing against drinking beer with Chinese food. I don’t know why that is. Maybe because Asians have problems metabolizing alcohol and I’m a respectful kind of guy.

Genghis Khan arose from the underworld…

The Mongolian beef was delightful. The spirit of Genghis Khan arose from the underworld, laid siege to my mouth, raped my teeth, pillaged my tongue, and fathered 86,744 children under the glow of my aroused uvula before I could even swallow. There was a soup I had before that though, the name escapes me but it was some kind of spicy thing with what felt like tofu. Tofu is an abomination of culinary pieces. Tofu’s taste is worse than Mao Zedong’s reign. It makes me want to take a Great Leap Forward into a bowl of elephant feces covered in burnt hair just so it can cloak the taste of tofu. I’m pretty sure I’d rather have a pap smear than to ever eat tofu again, and I don’t even have a vagina.

The waiter was a little slow, but then again there were a lot of people demanding Chinese things in their mouth.

Since then, I have ventured all the way to Chang’s place for a lunch bowl every once in a while. Pro-tip: The lunch bowls don’t come in actual bowls if you order them to go. The servers will just smile politely when you ask why you can’t have one of their ceramic bowls to go and that you’ll bring it back next time you swing by. They assume jest.

Chang is a decent spot for some good Chinese food if you’re the kind of person that would rather support a multi-million dollar NASDAQ publicly-traded corporation instead of the the little guys who will bust their ass to give you a great Chinese meal at a low price.

So where the hell is it?
  • 901 S Miami Avenue
  • Miami, FL 33131
  • (305) 358-0732
  • P.F. Chang's China Bistro on Urbanspoon
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3 Comments to P.F. Chang’s China Bistro

  1. Dahianna

    You could not have explained how bad tofu is any better. I agree

  2. I’m glad I’m not the only one that feels awkward when referring to the restaurant as Chang’s…

    • You’ve hit the ball out the park! Inlbrdiece!

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