Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Burger & Beer Joint

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Never make a bet with a chick that has keen gaydar. I lost $20 because I was sure our waiter was just friendly and probably grew up with 5 sisters. It turns out that when a male waiter responds to your query about whether or not a specific burger is any good by saying, “it’s my boyfriend’s favorite,” he’s super gay.

This place teeters on the edge of being a Fuddruckers with lots of booze.

Maybe not “super” gay. Saying “super” implies he has superhuman abilities such as being able to transform a straight male into someone with an Ethel Merman vinyl collection. I meant more “fabulously gay.” As-he-walked-toward-us-Madonna’s-Vogue-played-out- loud gay. So I lost $20. Whatever, I thought every once in a while a guy necessitated keeping a scrunchie around his wrist.

This place teeters on the edge of being a Fuddruckers with lots of booze. The thing that sets it apart is the price of the burgers. I’ll be honest, I can’t really taste the difference between this place and Fuddruckers. The only reason I frequent this place is because it’s near my domicile and there’s ample eye candy walking around with booties like those mannequins tailored to sell skinny jeans. Speaking of which, I know a dude who masturbates to the thought of those mannequins. It turns out it’s a thing on the Internet. What the hell ever happened to fetishes involving human beings? The fact that I find myself OK with someone that has a midget 16th century gangbang role-play porn fetish when compared to someone who snaps photos of white mannequin legs with a smartphone is disheartening. Damn you, Internet. The Internet gave me Wikipedia, which is awesome, but it gave it to me on the condition that cock-fingering (please don’t look it up) can join the party.

What the hell is cock-fingering?

Yeah, that’s not it.

Back to B&BJ. I always get a standard burger, though my twist is BBQ sauce. BBQ sauce on a burger is the next best thing to finding a $10 bill in a coat you haven’t worn in over a year. Ketchup and mustard seem so pedestrian after you’ve tried a burger with BBQ sauce. I want you to do this. I want you to go to Publix tonight, pick up some ground beef, season it, turn them into nice burger patties, get that skillet (or grill) nice and hot, make yourself that burger, put some BBQ sauce on it, and enjoy. Then throw in a little cock-fingering if you want, no pressure. Yeah, you’re welcome.

If you’re a little bitch they have lighter beers…

I think they have something like 101 beers. I recommend the Harviestoun Old Engine Oil if you don’t mind being awesome for a few hours. If you’re a little bitch they have lighter beers as well, probably even that Coors Light crap you should probably be drinking if you can’t enjoy a good stout. Fucking Coors Light. Haven’t you noticed whenever you see a commercial it’s always about the damn container and not about the beer? “Oh, our beer is kept ice cold in this awesome thing.” Or, “our can turns blue to tell you it’s ice cold!” Or, “we’ve got this cool portable home keg to keep our beer ice cold.” Or, “our beer tastes like an ice cold prosthetic scrotum!”

Screw Coors, eat B&BJ.

So where the hell is it?
  • Mary Brickell Village
  • 900 S Miami Ave, Ste 130
  • Miami, FL 33130
  • (305) 523-2244
  • Burger & Beer Joint on Urbanspoon
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2 Comments to Burger & Beer Joint

  1. Dayuum…I HAD to look it up! Seems like the recipe for the start of a wicked case
    of urethritis!!

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