Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Apple Store

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“Getting mugged” is a synonym for “shopping at the Apple Store.”

I’m not a hater, I have a Mac Pro, a Macbook Pro, an iPhone, and a multitude of Apple-branded software. However, I recognize a Sasha Grey-inspired public fisting when I see one. Their products are absurdly expensive, and with their minimalist approach to all things Apple you wonder where the hell all that money you’re spending is going. There’s something patently incongruous about seeing a billionaire on stage trying to sell you on spending enough money to save sixteen children from starvation on a phone that can let you Google how many people just starved to death.

…I recognize a Sasha Grey-inspired public fisting when I see one.

It’s so crazy. I drop $3k on a computer and see the CEO coming out of a low-rent pizza joint in San Francisco, but I spend $1.77 on a 20lb box of kitty litter at Wal Mart and I get to see John Walton, [dead] billionaire heir of the Wal Mart fortune, build his own damn airplane. If I’m going to crap out all that money, I want to see you rub it in my face and make me feel like shit about it, Apple. Damn it, Steve, buy a gold-plated platinum diamond-encrusted liver with all that cash.

To get the idea of what service is like at an Apple Store, try to imagine yourself wearing an expensive designer business suit and walking into a vintage record store only to encounter a snobby hipster as the employee. Now imagine the hipster has been dead and decomposing for five days thus rendering him completely unable to fulfill your request for assistance even if he decided it would be ironic for him to do so that day. Then imagine you’re actually in a dream within a dream within a dream that you aren’t sure is a dream or not. You’re also in the Matrix. And in a coma.

The Genius bar employees are pretty much a collection of patronizing art students…

That’s what getting help from an Apple employee is like. The Genius bar employees are pretty much a collection of patronizing art students who read Lifehacker and know a few tips and tricks.

The good thing about the store is I can stand there and watch them lie to my face about the cost of RAM and why Apple “requires” their RAM to be of a special kind. Usually if I want someone to lie to me I have to ask my mom if she thinks I’m a disappointment, but at the Apple Store I can knock that out of the way and hop over to Blissberry real quick.

I’m a sucker though, and I still buy their machines. What can I say, I like OS X, and I don’t like keeping money.


So where the hell is it?
  • 738 Lincoln Road
  • Miami Beach, FL 33139
  • (305) 421-0400
  • apple.com
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2 Comments to Apple Store

  1. Pingback: NameSugar
  2. S

    Nice Sasha Grey reference!

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