Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

A Lesson in Hollywood

Hollywood is stupid.

Yes, stupid.

Yet at the same time, genius. Movies nowadays are simply lame remakes or themes and plots that have been played to death, so it’s genius that they happen to pull it off. Writers and directors aren’t even trying anymore. Anyone can write a summary of a hit Hollywood screenplay, and I’m going to do just that.

Why? Because if a studio takes any of these ideas, I’ll sue.

Romantic Comedy

Guy meets girl, falls in love with girl, but girl is a lesbian. Guy makes girl go from being a lesbian to being straight and falling in love with him using blunt force trauma to the head and re-writing her memories when she wakes up in the hospital from amnesia. Heartwarming and endearing human emotion piece, with motor-mouth Chris Tucker as leading man to make the film funny.

Action

Buff, rough, and tough military-trained American male must stop a terrorist plot aimed at American citizens. Sexy female lead of Eastern European descent with a quirky rogue attitude helps him elude all sorts of evil Russian bad guys with some kind of stupid hidden agenda involving US politicians and Anthrax. Throw in a dirty cop with Vietnam flashbacks. Action hero lives and ends up with the chick beach-side somewhere in Acapulco at the end of the flick.

Action Comedy

Black dude and white dude come together. Black dude is from Crenshaw, white dude is from Beverly Hills. One day they bump into each other while walking along in Malibu and they switch personalities, like Freaky Friday except with a lot more swearing. Now they must each go live in each other’s place on account of the whole body-switching thing. Hilarity ensues.

Comedy

Two guys who worked as assistants to the Keenan Ivory Wayans’ personal masseuse in the original Scary Movie write screenplays that work like mad-libs. Their formula is to add the word “movie” to any word, then smoke some crystal meth and have a a dyslexic hooker write the entire thing the night before the studio wants a script.

Drama

Some 17th century nobleman falls in love with a peasant girl even though his marriage to some British duchess has been pre-arranged by both families. He goes on hiding this relationship with the peasant and is discovered by his soon-to-be wife who sets up a plot to have the peasant girl killed. The nobleman figures this out and in an attempt to rescue the peasant, dies from the black plague. Then the duchess dies of the plague as well. The peasant girl dies of AIDS but everyone thinks it’s the plague. It was pretty rampant at that time.

Bio-Pic

Pick someone who really wasn’t that important back during his time, but died young. JFK Jr. will probably have a Hollywood movie about him soon, so go ahead and pick him. Then have Ben Affleck play the part… badly. For a surprise twist, film the damn thing entirely in Esperanto or Klingon with English subtitles. It won’t really matter how hard you try to fuck it up, it will still win at least 3 Oscars. Box office smash.

Documentary

Michael Moore directs a film about gays in the military. It pisses off the government, because it makes the armed forces look fabulous. Michael Moore yet again makes millions on something he spent $1,628.98 filming. 4/5 of it which was on food.

Western

You can have menopausal women reciting Wiccan incantations over a medium-rare filet mignon glazed with pureed goat placenta all while riding a 3-legged horse with a 2×4 piece of plywood sticking out of its ass that has a banner reading, “I PERFORM ILLEGAL KIDNEY-REMOVAL SURGERIES ON HAITIAN IMMIGRANTS” and still no one would watch it. Westerns lack appeal.

Horror

A black guy and girl, a white cheerleader and her jock boyfriend, a nerd, a goth, the photographer guy, and the gym teacher. Everyone dies except the black guy. THAT is original.

Mystery/Thriller

Guy wakes up next to a dead woman and he has no idea who she is or what happened the night before. He goes around town trying to piece everything together and it turns out no one knows the woman exists. He tries turning himself in and cops say there was no murder at that scene. He starts freaking out and gets all rowdy with people until he discovers the whole thing was a controlled experiment testing some kind of memory drug which he signed up for. M. Night Shyamalan directs it and the ending sucks balls.

Science Fiction

Some spaceship goes to some planet and finds some alien technology that can save Earth from some global dilemma. The problem is the only way to get the technology back to Earth is if you solve some crappy riddles left behind by the aliens who built the monument. No less than 4 of the 7 astronauts have to die, and one of them (the one without a family; they died of AIDS) has to die in a way that saves the other 3 that live. Make sure to have cool robots and flying crafts back on Earth.

Crime

Some dirty sicilian mobsters in New York or Chicago do some racketeering or extortion and some young fed with a grudge has to catch them in the act. Naturally, the movie makes the mob look cool and the feds look like pencil-pushing tight asses with no sense of humor or family values. At the end, the big-shot wiseguys get caught, but a new generation of mafia leaders rises which leaves an opening for a shitty sequel directed by whoever directs Harry Potter and the Time I Fingerbanged Emma Watson in Her Dressing Room.

I should be in Hollywood.

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3 Comments to A Lesson in Hollywood

  1. B

    I wanted to watch the drama…until everyone died.

  2. What you’re saying is you want to watch every Mexican soap opera ever.

  3. These were all funny, but your treatments for a comedy and a documentary were EPIC.

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