Reviewing Miami and then some. Gratuitous vulgarity included.

Tropical Chinese Restaurant

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I used to have an Asian woman fetish. I’m not proclaiming that to in any way suggest that I no longer like Asian women, I’m just saying it was a hardcore fetish where I’d see a blond girl and mentally dye her hair, change her facial features, put a school girl costume on her, and have her do the peace sign with her fingers.

The absolute best Chinese restaurants are the ones where you can barely understand what the waiter is saying…

The reason I bring that up is that every time I review an Asian restaurant I say things that could be misconstrued as racist and it comes off extra inflammatory over there in [Yelp HQ] San Francisco where there is one karaoke bar for every 4 citizens… IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I mean there are lots of Asians there. See? I did it again right there! My point is, I love Asians. Nintendo, Lucy Liu, teriyaki sauce, and shitty tattoos written in hanzi/kanji that I can make fun of are just a few of the many awesome things to come out of the Orient. Another awesome thing is Tropical Chinese Restaurant.

Quick, what’s another awesome thing to come out of Asia?

John Rambo. Oh, and tentacle porn. Google it yourself.

The absolute best Chinese restaurants are the ones where you can barely understand what the waiter is saying, and this one fits the mold brilliantly. I remember asking for orange beef and the waiter confirmed my order by reiterating it, saying “ok you lie ora bee” and I’m just like, “…yeah” wondering if he asked me if I liked RnB. This lends authenticity to their cuisine. It’s just how it is. Think of it this way, if you went to a place called “Big Mama’s Southern Collard Green House of Pig’s Feet ‘n Soul Food, Buh-Buh-BAY-Be” wouldn’t you doubt its authenticity if some arrogant Frenchman took your order in broken English? I love me some P.F. Changs, but a place like that doesn’t hold a candle to this sort of establishment wherein they basically run an embassy inside their walls.

Another great tidbit is a lot of the employees also speak Spanish. They’re trilingual and they’ve got the pork dumplings to get uppity when we stereotype them as being smart.

Their fried rice tastes like the opening ceremonies at the 2008 Beijing Olympics. Awesome, and possibly made against some of the employees’ wills. If I’ve ever had better fried rice then it must have happened during some sort of traumatic event that I’ve blocked out from memory. Like that Michael Bolton concert I ALLEGEDLY attended with my mom in ’96.

You went to a Michael Bolton concert?

Have you ever seen a gay Highlander before? You’re welcome.

She’s gotta be making that shit up, I would never subject myself to that. It makes some sense though, my mom would be the kind of person that would drag me to a Michael Bolton concert and pack some tupperware in her purse with fried rice. That behavior rubbed off on my little sister, because I went to watch Inception with her and she had 4 little bags of 100-calorie Chips Ahoy servings, a tupperware box with pineapple slices, 2 Hi-C juice bags, and a banana. Her purse was more like a messenger bag, and I think a little bit of that crazy pineapple broth juice spilled because even on the way to the theater she smelled like a piña colada.

Speaking of which, they don’t serve piña coladas at Tropical Chinese Restaurant. See? Authentic.


So where the hell is it?
  • 7991 Bird Rd
  • Miami, FL 33155
  • (305) 262-1552
  • Tropical Chinese on Urbanspoon
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3 Comments to Tropical Chinese Restaurant

  1. Liane

    This is fantastic, I’m so glad I found this blog! Keep the posts coming, I’ll be reading!
    P.S. – You look strangely familiar! Sure i’ve seen you around…

    • Begun, the great internet educitaon has.

  2. I creep-Facebooked you just now and we have a mutual friend, so quite possibly.

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